Hellloooo out there! anyone here with me?

So, yes, I have been tinkering with the blog. It is different now under the new 'user-friendly' setting controls of the google blogger. And my tickers for J and G's birthdays can't be put right under the title for everyone to see. Oh well. I love them anyway. I'll put them down at the bottom since it doesn't make sense to have them on the side where you can't see the whole ticker.

How is everyone? January must be the busiest time of the month in some ways. I mean you have all these ideas, these resolutions for the new year, all these good and grand plans of things to do, accomplish, succed with the beginning of a new year! Alas...I find myself completely overwhelmed when I stop and consider all I want to do for today, tomorrow, next week, next month, the rest of the year, the rest of my life!!! help!

And yes, then I realize, what is going on here? Why am I wasting my time worrying about how I am going to get things done? What life is that? Most of the time life, the real stuff, happens not because you planned it and artfully succeded at getting it done. It is going for me to have dreams, even goals, and that I work to reach them. But it is the process that is more important than the goal. If I am not learning anything by living and working towards my dreams than feeling overwhelmed and frustrated, than they are not worth it! If the process is disillusionment and more than what can I expect of the goal? That goes for eating right and exercising! If I loathe and cringe everytime I think of saying no to dessert or working out than I need to stop and make some mental assesment. I want to enjoy life. No matter how hard it gets, I have only one life and I want to live it to the best of my ability.

Yeasterday I was thinking during worship about this. About the fact that I have one life on earth and that is it since I do not believe in reincarnation (thank Heaven NO!). And I came to one conclusion:
I want to live true and be real. I want to be authentic all the time, with myself, with my family, my friends, with strangers, with everyone and with God. I don't want to sit there and try to please everyone or live up to someone else's expectations or standards. I am not here to please anyone but God. And you know what? That is such a liberating feeling! You'd think, yikes...God, He is a tough one to please. He is so 'holy', so stern and so perfect. But no! It is so funny, but HE, the HOLY ONE, the righteous one, is so wonderful to please, for all He wants is your heart and for you to do your best in trusting Him and obeying Him. It isn't easy, no, but His love doesn't depend on a job well done, but on you constantly giving him your heart. The return is so much peace and freedom from all the "have to dos" of the world. I dont' have to be a succesfull person in any shape or form like the world views. I just have to journey with Him. The goal isn't success here, getting everything done while on earth. The goal is just living and loving and letting be, because God is in control and the final destination stays the same!
So my motto, having been one hour at a time has a new meaning: do not worry about what I will get done. Any small thing is a big accomplishment. So what if I haven't cleaned all the house? I vaccumed the floors today! So what if I haven't finished college yet? I am constantly reading and enjoying learning everywhere I go. So what if I don't have my parenting journey all planned out? I am learning so much, maybe more than him, and I enjoy and thank God for every moment spent with him. So what if my dreams don't all come true? It isn't about my dreams but God's, and they might seem bad right now, but I am looking at it sideways and down, I am art in the process and like with all creations they do look kinda messy when they are being worked on.

So what if I don't find my mission in life? So many talk about finding purpose in life (just think of the evangelical blockbuster hit "Purpose Driven Life", not saying it is bad, haven't read it, but it is still just a consumer-product, not life giving breath)...and while I was driving, thinking how in the past I thought I'd never be happy unless I knew what God was doing with me I realized this: That is what faith is! Not knowing! I have to trust God that my purpose is being accomplished now and all the time. I need to trust Him while having no clue whatsoever He is doing. What are you doing? I can ask Him that, and I might get an answer (i.e. clue), but it isn't up to me nor is it important for my life to know what my specific purpose is. I can live a full life without worrying or trying to work out the big plan. Because God is the big plan, and He is the driver. He stops and says : "We are getting out here" and I might interject "Why? I dont' think so? I dont' like this place, take me back!" yet...that is my purpose, to be there. I mightnot like it, but that is life....I am living God's plan. I am part of the plan. My mission is being part of His mission. He leads, I just breathe and take the next step. God, just keep my heart steady and don't leave my hand.

Lord, help me just be and not worry about being.