Growing thoughts

I started realizing lately how so much 'sadness' envelopes me when I focus on myself. But then I realize that is natural, that not focusing on yourself should be something you learn. But how do you learn it? How do you teach it? If being selfish is natural, how do you unlearn that way of being and become unselfish? If wanting to grasp life is what we do instinctively, how do we let go of it and stop clinging to it, and in the ultimate paradox, fine life therefore?

It occurred to me after listening to a Beth Moore bible class video recently that I read the Bible to see what it has to say to me, about me, how it relates to me. I forget that it is mostly about God, who He is, what He desires, what He loves, what He believes in. It isn't "The Holy Word according to yours truly"

I am also having a hard time finding God's direction for me in certain aspects of my life (what am I supposed to do with it, for example). I am going on this retreat soon with a friend, and I believe it is going to help me be quiet and wait for the Lord by offering me the time to do so. I am very hungry spiritually. But I am also struggling with being myself for the fear of hurting other people. Specific people. Or better yet for the fear of upsetting others, or what they are going to think about me...I am struggling with wanting to please others more than do what is right and pleases God. But sometimes it is hard because pleasing others can and often is pleasing God. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Sometimes I think, if I was older, all grown up, most of this stuff if not all wouldn't be an issue. But aren't I 'grown-up' enough now?

Thirteen things that bring me joy

1. My son's little curls behind his head.
2. A cup of tea at the end of a long day.
3. Curling up on the couch with a book.
4. A summer storm.
5. Autumn leaves.
6. The touch of a new book.
7. Libraries.
8. The stars against a black midnight sky.
9. A perfectly arched rainbow.
10. Sharing and conversing with my friends.
11. My husband's smile when he looks at me.
12. My husband playing on the floor with our son.
13. The knowledge that one day He will hold me and wipe away all my tears.

These are just a few of simple thins I love that bring me joy. How about you? What brings you joy?

Don't you just love that picture in the last post? (it's from the movie, I forgot to mention that).
I love the bright green contrasted with that intense blue sky above, with the perfect little white house standing alone in all that immense space. I am being romantic about it, I know it was hard work being a farmer, growing that land, but the couple dancing in the middle of the field reminds me that life is made by moments like these, when we stop doing and just be.

Some things I enjoy and you might too

Movies: I watched Sweet Land fairly recently and I truly enjoyed it. It was a delicious taste of cinematography, especially as far as the setting of the play and the slow rhythm of individual scenes. (Yes, I am trying to be just as pretty in describing it:). If you are a action movie fanatic than you probably won't enjoy this movie very much!

Books: I also really enjoyed Donald Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz." Here is what he says at the beginning of the book:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxopho9ne. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened.

My favorite chapters were on Confession, Community, the two on Love (How to really Love Yourself and How to really Love Others) and the one on Money. This 'non-religious book on Christian spirituality' was a breath of fresh air after reading the same cliches too many times.

Music: Check out my hubby's teenage crush, Leigh Nash. He really had a good taste and a good "ear". I believe some of her latest songs have really shown how much she has matured vocally and as an artist. I really like her song "My idea of Heaven." (pls note: it is a 'romantic' one.)

Blogging: I want to invite you to read a blog I have enjoyed reading the past several months. Dr. Beck's Experimental Theology blog challenges my thinking about faith and how I live it. The author is a psychology professor, so he writes about psychological and behavioral issues and uses terms that are scientific, but he explains his ideas so clearly and by presenting these issues he really helps me digg deeper into broader aspects of life that affect me and the people I interact with. His last posts deal with the things we do everyday that are tantamount to sin and evil in this world. I identified some struggles in my own young and adult life in his post on conformity, and you should especially read his last post on being in a hurry! I really needed to reconfirm this idea that most of my stress, as well as many other's, boils down to being in a hurry, and not being able to do what would give us, others and God most joy.

Celebrating life after death...in spite of death

My big sister is so special!

Oops one balloon popped!

Daddy is writing a love note to his girl

Today is Tuesday, 9/11, so many people are remembering, missing someone, wondering, pondering, or crying...and my heart breaks with them. And with the millions if not billions others around the world who has questioned the meaning of death and with that the meaning of life.

I meant to post this a week ago, on our daughter's fourth birthday. We call it her birthday, although she was stillborn. September 4, 2003. Can you believe we would have a four year old? It is hard to imagine. Harder to imagine what is she like to day. It is just hard to envision her existing, somewhere, where we can't see her, touch her, feel her, hear her...What is heaven? Is it the answer to our mysterious longing for a better life?

I know I shouldn't start all philosophical, not so late at night, because I can go round and round and round and never get off this merry go round. (On a side note: I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time...still getting in a routine now that I am back from my extended vacation and 'my' personal computer is a little old, a little slow, and doesn't work like the one I am used to...It is an antique as far as computers go, it's a windows 2000!!)

Above are some pictures of what we have done this past week for Gioia on her birthday. I would like to throw her a real party, and someday I hope I will be living the best party of my life with her by my side, but for now we can celebrate her with a few baloons and some homemade butterlfy-shaped sugar cookies. Celebrate her life that she lived, we wished she had lived more of, and the life she has, that I believe (Lord, help my unbelief) we all do in Christ, we all do in Love.

Once again, Happy Birthday my sweet Gioia, I hope you know that we love you, sometimes more than we can believe possible. We miss you so much and wish you were here. And in case you couldn't ever possibly wish you were on our side of things, that is okay. This is all I know for now and it is perfectly okay baby that you want to be where you are. I can't wait to be there with you too. I am so thankful for the gifts I have in your daddy and baby brother, family and friends, I dont' know what I would do without them. But it probably doesn't compare with Heaven. I love you sweet girl. You will always be my baby and I will always love you.

P.S. Thank you for all who have celebrated her this years and years past by letting me know how you haven't forgotten her either!

Tagged

My friend Traci tagged me from her blog. Here are the Rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. 2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (**if you’re a non-blogger, you can email them!) 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. 5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I usually splatter myself while rinsing dishes because I am too much in a hurry (what's happened tonight).

2. My younger brother who is 13 hated me this summer because I tutored him in his French homework, perhaps his least favorite subject!

3. I have tones of bruises on my legs...all from inside the house (walking into furniture and stuff...most I have no idea how I got them).

4. I like reading these detective stories written in Sicilian modern dialect...it took a while to understand them but I got a hang of it after a while. It helps that they are terribly funny.

5. TI am still really close friends with my two best buddies from 8th grade.

6. I have been a dark chocolate fan way before it was fashionable.

7. I have lived in the states for 8 years now and been married 6 of them!

8. My sister did this wonderful presentation for her OB/Maternity nursing class on Perinatal loss exactly on our daughter's Gioia's 4th angel birthday anniversary. She got a 99%(so it's not about me, I know)!


Ok- I tag Sheila, Nakeia, Jenn, Katherine, Nat, Karyn, Erin, Lisa