I've been wanting to write so much. It's not an itch, because I can easily ignore it (though I feel bad about it). It's more a secret wish....one I am afraid will not happen. It won't happen not because I have little time to spare on any 'extra curiccular' pursuits right now (and I really do not have extra time with three preschoolers at home). I mainly fear that I can't find it in me the talent to write. I know I need more than talent, but dedication, commitment...work! I think of my hubby's garden. This year it has yield very little because he just hasn't had time to work on it. It's not that dh is not talented 'enough' to grow a garden, but we've had so much going on with a newborn, two small kids, family coming to visit and us going to visit family. Colds, stomach bugs, and sleepless nights (and days). The usual stuff really! But deep inside is our desire to one day find the time and energy to dedicate to our vegetable garden (and I say we though so far only dh has put in the effort by building the garden boxes and working at it!). But something interesting happened this summer. Where we had set up a sort of compost pile for our weeds and 'dead' plants, several tomatoes have sprung up on their own, without being tended to at all. (We found out they are called 'voluntary' plants- I guess they volunteer to take charge and grow themselves). I love how nature works. And that's what I am hoping for myself, that naturally I will grow into a writer. That a few good posts will find themselves spring up in this blog. Without a schedule or time table. That they will just happen, because right now I realize that as much as I want to write I must also tend to my 'garden' growing at home, my family, my children, my sweet abode (and all that that entails!)
I want to be a good (dare I say very good?) writer. There I said it. I am really itching to delete the last phrase...because what if others will laugh? I feel like a third grader, shy and insecure about what 'others will think' about what I write, especially how I write seeing that English grammar and syntax is not my forte. I fear also that it won't happen and I will, once again, be labeled someone who starts but never finishes....What a dilemma. The truth is that I write because I love to share my ideas, thoughts, hopes, dreams, insights...and because I learn more about myself, my life, my faith, everything....when I start putting things into words, first by talking, and then writing it all down. I realize how fast time is going by, and even if time is indeed my problem right now, because here I am with not quite four hours of uninterrupted sleep, cramming in some time at the keyboard while little Zuzu (our almost three month old daughter) is in her bouncy chair with hiccups, my other two are thankfully (and amazingly) still asleep in bed, all because I promised myself and a friend that I would WRITE a blog post by today! So yes, here I am, last minute writer, procrastinating as usual (and with many excuse why it is so hard to find time to write!) But I am here. This morning. So how will my blog grow? How will I know what I am supposed to write about ? I have a gazillion things in my mind at all times, and many ideas and topics I am so passionate about. Well...that I haven't yet figured out. So for now this blog will grow just by trial and error, writing whatever I want, pursuing whatever direction I need ....until I get the hang of it and my true talents will shine through and it will be less work, and just fun and pleasurable : )
