I apologize before hand for this post for it is kinda angry/hurt. I just need to write how I feel, but it isn't against anyone in particular. For those who know where I come from and what I have and still struggle with spiritually this might make a lot of sense.
I was thinking about how when good things happen to us we say "Isn't God good?" Something that right now makes me mad because the flip side of that is that God is not good when things go wrong, which happens often, and sometimes in tragical ways. I am guilty myself of exclaiming merrily "God is good!" or "Praise God!" when someone gives me a good account on their life, an answered prayer, yes even a miracle. It isn't that it is wrong to do this, we are to give thanks and we can't help it, but I hardly ever hear a "God is good" when someone tragically dies, when we lose a child, a job, when pain and suffering engulf us, or most importantly others. Is God not good then? Of course He is. We know He is always good. All the time. Like people from the pulpit like to have us repeat. But when our hearts are broken it is SO HARD to say it, even if a whisper. You know the song " Blessed be His name?" the poignant verse goes:
He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away, my heart will choose to say, Blessed be His name
I can hardly say those words. Because I have lived that. God gave and took away. And it hurts so much. I cry almost every single time it is sung in worship. I am not saying it is wrong. This is how it should be. I want to want to choose to say these words. My feelings are so mixed though. Let's be honest, do we really want to Bless God when He seems so far away, so uncaring? When the one thing we pleaded for, we had faith in God for, does not happen or worse? Let's be honest... Do we feel His love? No, we don't feel it. But I know that means it is not there.
...I do not want to say "God is good" in the same manner as when good things happen to me, because it can't be the same way when times are good. It would be false. It would be projecting something I am not feeling. There is a time for grief, and lament, and they are perfetcly suibtable for praise and worship to God. Did you know that? That you can go to God and yell at Him? And tell Him you are so mad, why did He let this happen, Why has He abandoned you? Jesus did. And God was good then. And Jesus knew this. Isn't God good? We can shout at Him, hurl insults, and He loves us? I remember a lady coming after to me at worship when I had bared my soul to the assembly and shared how angry I was that God let Gioia died. Why did He give to then take away? Why let there be so much pain? This lady, who wasn't a member, came up and said she hoped I would repent, basically, and realize how wrong I was to be mad at God. How dare I think such things (btw, she did say them nicely, she wasn't mean to me but it hurt very much still). I actually told her I didn't agree. Didn't the prophets call out to God? Didn't Job? Didn't Jesus? ARe you a true Christian only because you always jump for joy, never grieve, everything is okay for you? I am trying to find a way to express my faith even in the context of hard times, even in the context of grief and hurt. Can you?
Can you connect with God even when you are not the picture of joyful glee?
Many times I think what we really are saying when we go out and say "Isn't God good? Look what He has done!" is..."Isn't this event good? It is just what we had hoped for!"...Isn't life good! You can say that...but be careful that you don't EQUATE that with God.
God is NOT life. Neither the good life nor the horrible life. What happens does make us happy or sad, but it is not God. And God can direct the happenings of life, but not always. He is not "Prince of this World" remember? And we are not less faithful because we aknwoldge that there are times that God is good yet we are angry nonetheless.
I think I finally understand what Philip Yancey meant when he wrote about a friend who had something horrible happen to him, telling him that he wasn't mad at God "because I don't see God as life. They are two separete things. I am mad at how the world is. This desease. My disability. The death of my family and friends. But not God. He isn't that."
The opposite goes too. My miracle Jeremiah, that isn't God. My blessings are gifts from God, andI thank Him so much for them, but they are not God. If they go away, or if bad things befall me as before, when life happens, either bad or good or great, I can praise God (not just jumping for joy, but also prostrate on the ground with tears flowing and hurt showing). Either way. Life is not God. Life can be good, but that doesn't make God good. God just is goodness. Apart from experience either happiness or grief.
4 comments:
Miriam, I hate that you even felt a need to apologize for what you wrote here. It is true, and it needs to be heard. And if people don't want to hear it, maybe it just shows how little they have lived, or maybe it is evidence of how reluctant our church is to speak truth.
Sometimes I wonder if, someday, we will be talking with God when this life if all over. And He will gently reveal to us which things in our life He actually did initiate that we never thanked Him for, which things He agonized over even though we delighted in them, and which things we thanked Him for that He had nothing (directly) to do with.
It's an interesting thought experiment.
And I don't think we can ever figure it out. But when we look at what in our lives has brought about (real) love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and spiritual maturity . . . It's probably a list that includes more suffering and fewer happy endings than we'd like to admit.
I agree with Sheila...fruits of the spirit develop more with suffering than in any other way. Be careful what you pray for, because to achieve many things requires a LOT of suffering.
One of my friends told me recently that she sees Biblical healings as evidence of what God can do and will do...one day. We will all be healed in heaven. I'm still thinking on this, but certainly it takes a lot of pressure off feeling faithful when we are angry that healing has NOT come about in a way we really want.
And I REALLY do believe it's okay to be angry with God. The one thing that would really, really NOT be okay would be indifference to God, a lukewarm attitude. I applaud your diligence in remaining faithful in the face of so much frustration!!
gk
I would add to my first paragraph that perhaps churches are not reluctant to speak truth as much as they are unable to--because we live in such a comfort-oriented, positive-thinking-oriented, time and place, that a lot of people don't have the experiential or theological vocabulary to begin addressing these ideas. And that includes church leaders.
I think that people who believe it is wrong to be mad with God have not read the scriptures to see that his people have always pushed back with him. And he is not afraid of that. We can't push him over, we can't devastate him. God is not going to crawl under covers because I get hurt. He is going to come over with me and hear what I have to say, and then he will either continue sitting with me or he will speak.
I'm so thankful for your words. To have the clarify that God is not life is so helpful for me, as I have also been struggling with the very same words of God is good always equated with good gifts. Thank you for your thoughts, Miriam.
Hello to Jon for me!
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