Next week is Lent

I haven't grown up following any kind of church traditions, or a liturgical calendar (I think I was in my early 20s when I learned what liturgical meant!). Thanks to some friends (you know who you are!) and other experiences in my life I have come to sort of desire more ritual and a way to weave a tangible theme of faith in my everyday life. Now, I know there is more to this expression of faith, but as a very scatterbrained and disciplined-challenged person in general, I look at this expression of faith as a way of making it real without faking it, or without making myself fake feelings of thoughts I do not yet possess...but at the same time creating an atmosphere for growth and to express feelings and thoughts I pray and hope to have. I hope this made sense.

Anyhoot...Lent is next week. Ash Wednesday (and I do not know yet why it is called such) is next week. And I have decided to (drum roll please) ...... give up sweets. Yes, the nice sugary thing, especially the one entrenched in a dark brown coating or dripping with velvety smooth chocolate. And that is because I want, I pray to want even more, that every word of God be "sweeter than chocolate" (instead of honey) to me. That is my prayer. My prayer is simply this: Lord, please be real and close to me. I need to know you more.

I want to desire you more. More than chocolate!

Okay, battery is running out!
Sometimes techonology is unforgiving.

I will write more about it especially for the weeks to come!

Making peace with spiders

Last week I watched on my own, while J-man was down for his nap, the movie that was released last year I believe, based on E.B. White's novel: Charlotte's Web.

I cried! The tears were just streaming down my face without me realizing it. I got to read that book. I have forgotten that part of my childhood. I think this book is definitely meant not for children but most especially for grumpy and negative adults like I have been tending to be too often!

I think my mother might have read this book to me as a child, or perhaps she read part of it? Whichever the case I do know that when I was young and I, who have a tendency to dislike and even fear spiders, no matter how small and innocuous, crying out for her to "DO SOMETHING THERE IS A SPIDER!!!" and asking her to mercilessly kill it and take it away from my sight, she would just look at me with calm and determinations and say "Oh, let's not kill the spider...it might be Charlotte!"

And that will always make me stop and think...what a silly mother I have!!

But now, it is such a beautiful silly and fun memory of my mom. Though no spiders have come my way I hope to be able to say "Shalom to you, creepy crawly friend" and not think anything about it...Unless it is more CREEPY than friendly looking...I am going to have to work on this still guys..

Charlotte, I am so sorry. Please forgive me!

(very grateful indeed that no eight legged creature has come my way yet, especially after the episode my sister-in-law went through...being bit by a spider in HER own bed. And btw, Elle, when I was staying at your place for Thanksgiving, and you guys let us sleep in your bed...I had Jon check underneath the covers a couple of times!!!)

Sometimes you never know what you will find in an old magazine.

I happened to chance on some new year's resolutions of the staff of a magazine that I believe is no longer in print. One of the writers of this magazine wrote her new year's resolution like this:

"I resolve to indulge in my favorite things. I'll drink more coffee and eat more sweets. I'll have more fun, and be more fun. I'll gorge on friendly conversation and find creative ways to minister. My house will stay tumbled (so you'll feel comfortable dropping by) and I'll dress down, not up. I'll also wear less makeup. I'll thank God every day for my husband's laugh lines. I'll play and learn and smile more often."

Wow. What a, pardon the cliche', breath of fresh air.
Do you remember my new year's resolution from last year? Well...don't go back to read it. You can all imagine what it was: I will lose weight, read my Bible and pray more, finish my projects, do better, be more discipline, blah blah blah....Don't get me wrong. These are not bad things. I do want to exercise more, be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally. But is this the way to go all the time? And shouldn't just be a part of our everyday life? What is more important? When I go to Heaven, will God ask me how many chapters and verses I read per day? How does my spiritual bank look like? In fact, how do you tell when someone is 'spiritual'? Is the number of devotionals and bible readings he does per day? How about a healthy person? Is it how she looks on the outside?

Ok...so yes, I do want to look good, better, I want to feel good. I want it to be a good year for me and those around me and who I love. And a part of feeling good, is doing things that bring you joy. And that in turn can ripple over to others. Stop trying to live a better life and just living life as it comes.

So here is my new year's resolution:

I will read more, and I will read books I want to read, any kind. I may or may not finish them. I won't give myself a limit.
I will eat a dark chocolate.
I will drink tea and coffee.
I will communicate with friends worldwide on the internet and through the lost art of letter writing.

I will write more. And I won't care how much I write, how long and how repetitive it might sound.

I will believe in myself. I will seize the day. I will have confidence that I can do what I really want to do.

I won't worry about learning and doing this that I don't' care about just because that is what everyone else is doing.

I will listen to Italian music and read Italian books, and dream about my home country. I will talk with others, my son and husband, in Italian. I will also speak French with those who can.
But I wont' worry if I don't do it as much as I wish.

I will dress as I like. Neat and Informal and comfortable, no makeup or jewelry except my wedding band. Except if I want to. I won't worry about how I look. I will find ethnic clothes to wear for fun and think of God's great big world and how wonderfully diverse it is.

I will walk or dance for the fun of it! I will have dates with friends and my sister. I will travel and take opportunities to go down the unbeaten path.

I will laugh and have fun. I wont' be serious all the time. I will look through the eyes of my son.

Most of all, I want to be myself this year. And to do that I need to learn to accept myself and not be afraid of what others think or say.

So this year, my one and only true resolution is to be more accepting and graceful beginning with myself, and with the gifts, passions, ideas and dreams I was given. And for some reason, I think this is the only resolution I'll need and the one that will yield the most results for a full and fruitful life.

My Christmas gift!

I got a laptop! I am so so happy, now I can go and use internet and keep up with all my friends and update everyone else through cyber world (and look up recipes, tips, music, news, and books, books and more books!!!)
I am so excited about my own laptop. My sil got me a gift certificate to a local coffee shop, so I am set now :) I enjoy so much writing and reading and the internet offers ways to do that in real time and share it with everyone else, especially my loved ones an ocean away and more! I also am so thankful to my hubby, who purchased this nice used laptop (a good way to save money and be green!) and uploaded all kinds of nice programs, like picasa from google, open office (a free program that works like word), mozilla firefox (our favorite internet software)...and much more (I have all our pictures, and he also bookmarked my favorite websites, like amazon and NPR). And now one big more challenge I am ready to head on: we had bought a personal finance program, (Money 2007) and I am ready to take care of our finances and budget. I am the biggest spender (but not the way you think! Jon spends the largest sum on one thing, I spend smaller amounts on groceries, things for the house, for Jman, etc!!! LOL...okay, and on occasional coffees and cutsie stuff.)


I am thinking of giving a new look to my blog. I should be able to give it a nice 'face lift' to celebrate this new calendar year, with some expert help from computer savvy dh who is at home this week (yuppie! family time!...btw, dh did GREAT this past semester. It was very hard intense work, but it paid off, I am so PROUD of him!)

So thank you to my best friend and husband (and to my folks and grandparents who pitched in)! Now he won't have to hear me say "Honey, can I borrow your laptop?"

Christmas Prayer

Peace on earth and goodwill to everyone!

I had the pleasure to go to a Christmas eve service at the local episcopal church yesterday. I enjoyed singing the old Christmas carols, beautiful old hymns, which sung in a small sanctuary with a high ceiling that echoes the tunes is something to always be enjoyed and savored. The little place was packed and dh and I got to attend along with my precious friend K. who was in town and her mother. Several scriptures were read and we joined in the chorus of Amen, Peace be with you and Hear Our Christmas Prayer. There is something in the repetition, in the kneeling and standing, in the readings that engages not only my mind but it does indeed engage my heart and my senses. And I love the way their prayers, simple and beautiful prose, seem to encompass all that we truly should be about and stand for:

"Oh Lord, we pray for the needs of your whole world, for peace and justice on earth, for the mission and unity of the Church for which your Son gave his life. (...) O Lord, because you particularly love them, we remember in your Name the poor and helpless, the cold, the hungry, and the oppressed, the sick and those who mourn, the lonely and unloved, the aged, and little children, as well as all those who do not know and love the Lord Jesus Christ."

We took communion (which is always the highlight of the services generally) and at the end we prayed this prayer:

"Grant, we beseech you, Almighty God, that the words which we have heard this night with our out-ward ears, May, through your Grace, be so grafted in our hearts, that they may bring forth in us the fruit of good living to the honor and praise of your Name, through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen."

Tidings of Comfort and Joy to you! May peace reign in your hearts!
Merry Christmas!

Taking Care of God's Green Earth

So last night dh and I finally saw An Inconvenient Truth.

One note: I know some are not fans of Al Gore. I won't discuss politics here. I am pretty neutral right now, but I did realize that the documentary was pretty politicized, since I guess, it was his movie.
I have also heard bad rep on him, as in that he has a huge house, that consumes more than four middle class homes together, something like that...let me just say this: that is really sad if it is the truth, and it is a shame, but we know there will be hypocrites. For example: that the church has a bunch of phonies is old news...but that does not diminish the truth about Jesus Christ.


That there are hypocritical politicians...that is definitely everyday news....but that we are excessive greedy people...that is still sadly the truth.

Since I was young, I remember talking about pollution, and its effects on nature, on ourselves, on our health. On our quality of life. Especially on our future. That pollution is bad, is a problem for the earth and for all humans has been know for decades. What have we done? It seems not much. Because it takes everyone to take action and to make changes.

Now that I have a child, for some reason, I feel even more strongly about taking care of the earth I live in. This home away from home. What legacy will I leave?

I think that for us modern rich westerners of the 21st century it is truly an 'inconvenient truth'...and I won't shy away from saying it is for all the business that make money off of unsustainable and polluting industries and technologies.

The equation is this: old habits x new technologies = unexpected and devastating consequences. In everyday popular media literature you will read all sorts of reviews about what is going on with climate change and other environmental concerns. But not so from scholarly journals, the ones that are reviewed by scientist and experts from all positions in life. Is there a change? Well...JRR Tolkien already realize that there was last century when he wronte The Lord of the Rings Trilogy! I might not sense it b/c I was born way past the industrial revolution (as all of us who are reading this of course)...and that is why it is inconvinient in so many ways. We need to learn ways that were not taught to us, we need to learn new healthier and moral habits about recycling, reusing, or just plain stop using. We need to change our patterns, and stop wasting, wasting, wasting our resources. We have so much, too much....cutting back wont' take away what we love, what we live for. I believe it will give back much much more. It will give back life, life for us, for the future generations, for the millions of people who are hurting because of our waste.

Mr. Gore, for all his faults, talks about morality, how it is an ethical, moral issue, this global warming, this pollution we are creating. What I have never understood is why Christians might think that this isnt' a moral issue, that it doesn't affect our lives as Christians. If we are hurting the earth, who are we hurting if not earthlings? Could we be hurting the heart, grieving the Spirit of God too? He created us, created the world....the heavens and the earth...

And it was good. Are we treating it as something good? Or are we taking so much advantage of it, just to profit, just to use and throw away?

There is nothing unChristian about it. I just wish we would take a greater stand. I am going to. Not because it is the cool thing to do. Because it is the right thing to do.

Here is one thing I have stop doing: using plastic bags at the grocery store, but bringing my own, and not using plastic bottles (or reusing the ones I have). Plastic is one of the most toxic waste we have, for it takes a very long time to disintegrate, and as it does it lets out a lot of bad chemicals.

Promises

As promised...I am going to write a little about Promises, the documentary movie made a few years ago about the war between Palestine and Israel...the conflict and the hatred, from the viewpoint of the children. This is not a exhaustive explanation of what is going on, why it is going on, for how long, how it has evolved, the issues, the problems, the treatise, politic games, etc. For that...there is the library (or the internet, though for a better understanding you should probably read something more historical and objective...something I have to do).

You learn so much more from children. They were just children...normal, transparent, played volleyball or ran, got upset if they didn't win, loved to tease, be silly, were curious, were shy, rode their bike...yet, they were different from children that are usually around me. They hated, perhaps even if not sure why, they hated those who were from the other side: Palestinian vs. Israelite. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, because honestly they didn't hate each other, they were mostly eager and curious to talk to one another...they hated the conflict, the war, the Palestinians felt like they had been kicked out, turned away from what they considered their very home, their own holy land. And of course the Israelites saw them as infidels, who had taken their promise land. I don't' know much about the promises for the Muslims from the Koran or Islamic tradition, but for the Palestinians, Jerusalem, that land is also promised to them. Promises, promises...

Some people have very strong opinions about this huge conflict, a conflict that as a white European descendant touches me very very little honestly. However, when I moved to the US I was startled a little to the one sided feeling I got here. I guess it is b/c of the history the US government has had with the founding of the new nation of Israel. And I honestly know very little about it so I won't discuss it until I at least further my knowledge on the subject.

But back to the children. The children are real. And the children are dealing with the grown-up world of constant attacks, violent revolts, military occupation, military protection, bombs, social restrictions and constraints....something I have never ever experienced, so even writing about it really doesn't sum up what they go through.

We get to see the world from the perspectives of both Israeli and Palestinian children. Some things they say are very strong, some things they say...or better, the questions they ask and the thoughts they come up with...are very hopeful I would say, because they show flexibility, they show readiness to move on.

Children are the future. Could we help these two countries, these two people, find some peace? some healing?


Here are the stars: Farai, Sanabel, Yako and Daniel, Moishe, Rachel, Malmoud, Shlomo, Ahmed and Motassim....who is who? They are all children, yet they live such different lives, just a few miles from each other.

The last words of Farai...crying, after meeting, playing soccer with, having fun being silly, being kids, with some Israeli kids (the only ones who wanted to and were allowed by parents-- watch that part of the doc!) who ventured for the first time (in history perhaps!) in a Palestinian camp, were these:

"All this will be in vain"

It broke my heart and I cried too. These children (now young adults...we saw some after videos..the documentary was nominated that year for the Oscars...they didnt' win:( ), these flesh and blood little people DO NOT WANT WAR...they don't' want to live with this conflict, this fear, to not be able to interact, to go into town, into the capital, to worry about the bus going to school blowing up, their friends, family, mother, father and sister and brother dying, being thrown into jail. But they are, they have...and they still deal with these things. They are everyday occurrences for them.

Peace is the hardest thing to win. But is it worth it? We don't know, because we are living it now and we take it for granted. Our freedoms. And the respect of freedom we have for each other (most times).

Farai now lives in the states. He is a refugee and he is getting (probably already has) his naturalization. He works (worked?) at Wal-Mart and was wanting to go to college.

He misses his family, but that is not were he wants to live. He doesn't' want the hate, the terror, or the factions.

For some reason I can't help but think of Romeo and Juliet...both of the same country, torn between power? between pride?


The cutest part of the movie was Rachel...it is closer in the beginning. Rachel is an Israeli girl and she is telling the cameraman what she will do when she is older, getting ready for the Sabbath with her family. And during the whole time she is trying hard to get some chairs that are topped on each other, unstuck...it takes about 8 minutes or so. It is so adorable.

Some of them have changed their views growing older. Most of them still don't like the other, of course...The worst part is that they are more like the adults now: they don't' have much hope for things to change. Main reason is that it is really hard to know what to do.

Peace. The hardest thing to win.

A friend in need: another Turners Syndrome baby girl

One a more trite note...I am sending this news out because I know many of you will pray and think about my friend A. She is a member of Hannah's Prayer, the support group I have been a part of since Gioia's loss. She just found out, after years of struggling with infertility and early miscarriages, that her unborn baby of 11 weeks has Turners Syndrome, the same condition our Gioia had. Please keep her and her husband in your thoughts and prayers. They have decided to continue the pregnancy, which I know as hard it will be it will be a blessing in the end. These 'imperfect' jewels are still a treasure for us, no matter how short and how deformed they might be. They struggle with the 'quality of life' issue that others have brought up (Drs., family), and I pray that all our minds and hearts will be open to reconsider that term, something we impose and not something that is necessary true for the children, and shouldn't be for us adults.

Just pray that they will have the support and the strenght...it is a hard journey, a hard path to walk, a path with so many unkwons and so much heartache....I pray we can hold them up and carry that pain.

Thanks.

Because of Heaven,
Miriam

Just a quick update!

So sorry I have been gone. I have missed catching up on all my blogger friends as well. I am missing my internet connection. Can't say I have done much better without it... still unsure where I left my brain at most times, LOL!
I had told my SIL, El, that I would write a post about the great documentary we watched over the Thanksgiving holiday. WE got to visit her and brother Josh (dh's) over a week ago. What a great time! We miss you guys. We went to their new home in northern Colorado...and we are scoping out the place for ourselves. So I will have to share picts and more about our trip out there. J-man did great, which really suprise us since we didn't have the modern entertainment equipment....car DVD player! I just wanted to let you know I am still alive and well...I am hoping to get through one more week of strict diet (yes, self imposed of course, but I am tired of the extra lbs-- 15 to be exact, and I thought what better and worse time than before the holidays. It is teaching my discipline guys!! haha...I know, but pls give support and cheer me, ok?? I miss my lattes and chocolate and peanut butter and toast...but they will come back IN MODERATION...grrrr).

Okay, so enough about me. Oh wait this blog is about me...!!! I am being silly because it is late and I need to go eat my low cal fudgesicle before bed. To cheer me up.

I love all of you, and soon dh and sister will be out of school and I know they said, PROMISED they would let me get out of the house and use the internet and I WILL POST THEN!! (that is in two more weeks, btw).

I will try and catch up with all your news then too.

Later!

No More Internet at Home

"Hi, my name is Miriam and I am an internetaholic."
If you follow the link above you can take a test on internet addiction. I scored 41, and so I am not addicted but I probably spend too much time anyways! I might not be what is considered 'addicted', but I do come close because I fantasized about what my posts will be and what I 'need' to get done or search online quite often lately. Especially since I've learned we will go without it!
That's right: Just one week or less after realizing I need to spend less time on the internet God provided a need for us to get rid of it al together! And I know I will miss it!! We have a lost some extra income. The first thing that Jon and I both thought of was getting rid of to take car eof that was to stop cable internet. We don't care for cable (well, I enjoy watching episodes of Law and Order) anyway, but internet, that we are attached to because it gives us a chance to connect, through e-mail, skype and blogs, to our loved ones around the world. Yet, I find myself too often doing stuff that isn't as important as connecting to others when I am on it. How ironic of me. My friend Sheila posted a really interesting article on her blog about this subject matter and that is where I got the first link!

I plan to keep the blog updated as often as I can and I hope, for everyone here, I'll be learning to write shorter and better posts!

So don't think I'll be gone from the blog world, I'll be posting, e-mailing, catching up on your updates! And perhaps spending more time praying for you and thanking God for you!

p.s. One thing I am looking forward to doing more (with all my 'extra time' you know!): READING BOOKS ;)

The Friendly Atheist

**Edited: I put an * where I accidentally misrepresented Mehta about what he believes. If you go to the post about HU and read the comments following my comment you will see how there is a difference in saying you don't believe in God and that there is no God. I am pretty ignorant in the semantics of atheism, in fact in the whole idea of it, and so I apologize for any mistakes**

Yesterday evening I went to hear the friendly atheist, Hemant Mehta speak at Harding University.
I had actually saw the book of Mehta, I Sold My Soul on E-Bay (it's just a catchy title, that is not what he really did...click on the link to learn of his project and what happened and how the book came about) just a few months ago on one of my luxury visits to the library on my own.
I encourage you to go read his post on his visit to Harding which you can click to it here.
I am pretty proud of the Harding/Christian community that showed up last night for I felt we treated the guest speaker with due respect, even though we have such different beliefs and come from polar opposite sides, and I appreciated the eagerness and interest everyone had, the desire to have open communication and to learn from both sides. And I appreciated the 'friendliness' and kindness of Mehta, who disclosed a much-less known truth, that not every atheist is hateful towards believers nor are they threatening and always ridiculing our beliefs. I am glad we could show the same thing, in reverse!
I also very much appreciated what Dr. Cox had to say and I loved that he wanted, along with us, to publicly apologize for the way some Christians he has encountered have acted, for the ways they have disrespected and mistreated was totally un-Christian. It reminded me of my favorite chapter on confession of Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz book (you really should read it!)

Here are some things I have learned (or was able to re-affirm) from going to listen to an atheist speak about his experience going to different churches (that is what the project, and book, is about):

• Atheist and Christianity actually have many similarities in that they both are belief systems (Dr. Cox thanked him for acknowledging that- it makes dialogs easier when they admit that they *"believe" there is NO God and that this belief affects most if not all of their lives in one way or another, just like my belief that there IS God, and one only, does).
• Another similarity was the fact that not all atheist can answer every questions regarding their non-belief. Mehta was put in the spot a couple of times, and he often answered that this is not what his book and his presentations deal with (explaining atheism and why it is true). His 'expertise' did not reside in debating reasonable atheism like it is for Richard Dawkins.
• The previous point brings me to another thought that my ex-atheistic father told me once and has always impacted me: you must have faith to be an atheist. (Faith that there is no God, for that is hard to prove just as it is hard to prove that there is one.)
• Some other random things that seem to point to similarities in our experiences, believer or non: we are not always like the media or the most 'news-worthy' and 'attention-seeking' advertising portrays us. Hehmant spoke a lot about how it was frustrating that most people see atheist as haters, as ignorant and crude. He gave specific examples and proceeded to describe to us how many atheist are not Christian-haters, that they are very approachable and open to dialog and to accept a person who disagrees. That is the idea he gave me. Of course there are those (and they are the loudest out there, the ones who are being heard and even applauded by atheist it seems) that think cruelly and look down on us. But then again, many Christians (the loudest and most misleading) also speak cruelly and mistreat non-believers.
• One other thing that caught me by surprise (not sure why it did!) Atheist are insecure about themselves too! They feel unsure on how to be open and 'share' their beliefs and live in a more religious society (more about this in the next bullet-point). When in college he started an atheist club, for support, just like campus crusades and other Christian college associations. They need to associated with like-minded people too, obviously, but also it seems for encouragement when perhaps they find themselves the minority, for they are.
• The last phrase is what I wanted to comment on: Atheist (and perhaps agnostics combined) are a minority here in the U.S. Most Americans consider themselves religious, the majority of some Christian affiliation. Now, if they are church-goers or not or if they truly exemplify Christ (most of u s not :( ), is another topic. But the fact remains that the truly secularist are a minority. I hear often from Christians that there is not enough 'faith' in the public sphere, that we need more religion in politicians. However, Mehta argued that the opposite is true. Most politicians do at least affiliate themselves to some kind of religion, and most probably to Christianity. He provided information on how one group of secularist (perhaps the national alliance, can't remember) sought to find out who, if anyone, in any public government role (from high-status to 'lowly'--NOT!-- garbage collector worker) would ascribe himself as atheist (or agnostic at least). One congressman did come out, and as far as I heard, him alone, without making a big deal about the issue, and said the he didn't believe in God. One. I believe there are probably more who are 'closet' non-believers, but the point is that the open-secularist in power are not that many. Perhaps we should stop worrying about world power and government and who is going to be in charge and how our world is crumbling because there are no Christians in power. If there are no Christians in power is because those who are are not acting according to Christ's teachings-- or they are misleading on what those teaching really are about. They have been probably corrupted by power and fame. And probably a 'perfect' Christian world is not attainable as long as we try to do it with our own human efforts and 'virtue'. "For my kingdom is NOT of this world" Jesus said. I am not saying to not vote for a good Christian man or woman who is running for office, but do not put your faith and hope in him and her, as you shouldn't put in in a worldly government to make life as you wish it to be. Okay, so I went way off topic here. Sorry! I think it is the first time I shared about this 'stuff' openly. And no, I am not the expert on politics and religion :)
  
• Last but not least, I want to add here my questions which I will post on Mehta's blog, that I didn't get to ask (or might not have, there was lots of people there wanting to ask questions! and it is always a little daunting to speak out at such events, I am always afraid no one will understand my question). Before I write it down I did want to share the last question (more comment) that was shared. A student (I assume) shared with Hehmant about his past day experience with a very disabled young adult or child, who is not able to talk, walk, feed himself and express his needs like most toddlers do. What purpose, does this person have, if there is no God? asked the young guy. He shared how this disabled person touched his life deeply, how caring for him and watching this 'paralyzed' life display in front of his eyes gave him appreciation and humility for what he had, and taught him valuable lessons. Hemant Mehta said something how that this person's purpose is probably to create such valuable insights. But it striked me as odd, speaking about purposes with an atheist. Not that they might not use this term periodically if not often, but what kind of purpose is there in life, in evolution, in science? Not just purpose to survive, to grow in strength, in power, so to surpass all and 'thrive.' But what does science care about that? That we live or not? What does it care that we have a purpose? Who cares? Do atheist care about that? "purpose" is such a buzz word these days among Christians, to an extent I believe it has become self-centered and self-conceited (not a Christian thing). So here's to my question to Mehta and others who don't believe in God/Creator (and I am interested in answers!): What makes a human, human? What makes us different from other animals? Why do we hope, worry about love, about harmony, about being liked or disliked? Why do we care about stuff? Why do we want to learn, to mature, to grow? Why do we think about life in such terms? Why are we so different from every other living being? And for Mehta: what did you learn of new, did anything surprise you, srike you as odd and different from what you previously understood, about Jesus Christ?
  

Here is another few things I think are noteworthy about Mehta's experience with church-going:

• Nobody approached him at church to initiate conversation. At big churches, that *might*--not an excuse- be more understandable, but small churches it was really awkward. Though most were wiling to converse once approached, Mehta said he really didn't experience anyone coming up to him.
  
• Some churches sung about the 'evil people' and how great it was to be Christians and how horrible and bad those who weren't...probably not most people's experience, but I know sometimes things are said in prayers or sermons that kind of go that way-- not very humble and loving in spirit.
  
• There seems to be few outlets for non-Christians (and Christians too!) to ask questions and express doubts within the church. ( I have often said this too! I feel like once you have become Christian you are often left to 'disciple' yourself, as if you won't ever struggle or doubt, and if you do you think something is wrong with you...okay, another topic for another time).

All righty...a long post, but I hope you have learned something like I did. I have usually assumed it was a daunting, scary experience to talk with an atheist. I know that at UofM I felt really unsure about sharing my faith because I was afraid they would immediately allocate me with the weirdo and fanatic Christians that hate all who are not or think everyone who isn't is worthless. But I learned something important yesterday: an atheist might feel the same way I do about his 'unbelief' in relation to my belief. And also, to truly end this post: I felt even stronger about my beliefs-- Lord I believe, help my unbelief!-- not just because Mehta stumbled here and there (I am sure I would in front of a huge group of atheist asking me really difficult questions!) but because I realized that even those who believe there is no God, still have questions, still have fears, still are human: and that distinction, to me, is the mark of God in every human being.

A Special Book

I lovingly dedicate this post to my mother, Lucy.

This past Monday I went to the library with Jeremiah and found one of my all-time favorite childhood picture books: Miss Rumphius was one of my mother's favorites, still is I am sure. My love of beautiful picture books (as well as any kind of reading material) comes directly from her. She showered me and my sister with all kinds of fun and inspiring stories to journey into while reading during the day or at bedtime in bed all together. I started reading on my own pretty young and I am a little sad I didn't let my mom read more to me as I grew older, but I definitely remember her reading this book to us. I am enjoying looking over the pretty pastel-colored pictures and dreaming of what my life would have been if I were Miss Rumphius, like I used to do when I was young.
Jeremiah is still too little to understand this book (too many words! I had a hard time finding books he could sit through...Eric Carle's books are the best so far...we are now into reading "Head to Toe" and "The Very Hungry Caterpillar.").But reading has now become a big part of our routine. J still takes two naps usually, in the morning and afternoon, and we read one book every time unless we are really cranky and need to get in bed tout de suite. In the evening at bedtime we read one book and then another special one, that mom knows by heart now: Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Few times I have substituted it with "Time to Sleep" by Mem Fox, and as he grows older I might tend to change more often, but this is our staple now, like a goodnight lullaby (I stopped singing at night time as much since before he was one because he kept laughing himself silly with me joining in! I am not much of a 'sleep' inspired vocal artist I guess).

My favorite part of the book I mentioned first is the repeated phrase throughout that Miss Rumphius' grandfather first gives to her when she is very young. This is how it goes:

"When I grow up, I too will go to faraway places, and when I grow old, I too will live beside the sea."
"That is all very well, little Alice," said her grandfather, "but there is a third thing you musdt do."
"What is that?" asked Alice.
"You must do something to make the world more beautiful"

Since I was little, I wanted to do just that: make the world more beautiful. I feel it almost like a calling, but like little Alice, even if I am older now, I am still not sure how. I am trusting God is showing me even though I don't see the big picture. And maybe reading to my little boy is part of doing just that.

But now I must go....and make the world a little more beautiful!

Spiritual getaway

This past Friday I went with my dear friend Sheila to Eureka Springs, in the Ozark mountains for a personal spiritual retreat. I have lot to share about this journey!

I feel like I must have stepped in another land, perhaps a story land, where I gazed at beautiful bright leave colors, the hue of crimson and gold, mixed with green, and majestic hills and mountains stretching out, touched by golden sun rays and reflecting a marvelous cloudless blue sky. Since I have come back it has started to rain and get colder, the sky has been gray, so I truly do feel like I was in another world.

My time away was meant to be a time devoted to God. I wasn't always faithful in my mind but God truly did meat me where I was . I learned more things about myself, but I have also learned a lot about God and who He is through the lives of the people who touched me, through their spiritual surrender and devotion to the Lord. Saturday was spent being blessed and guided by the kindness and godliness of a wonderful Christian couple through their ministering and mentoring at their home and retreat center, a refuge for people who are seeking to grow in Christ and to find renewed strength in their spiritual journey. This place is Christview and I was so blessed by the beautiful setting and the fellowship I had there over a cup of tea, bread and a bowl of soup. I would recommend this kind of individual retreat (they do offer it for groups as well, and have their own retreats scheduled on their website), to anyone who wishes to find some quite time for reflection and prayer. Judy helped us through some guided prayer exercises and meditations on God's word. After my own solo time she also helped me with some sound spiritual direction, not providing answers for my every problem, but helping me discern and realize all the possible reasons I may struggle or feel someway. After our meal and sharing time at lunch Mr. John was kind to answer some questions of mine about in-depth bible study, particularly word study, and show me some study material that could be useful to me. All in all I was thoroughly encouraged and inspired to deeper prayer and meditation, studying God's Word, and to press closer to Him and not give up in my journey.

Even Sheila, my friend, blessed me with her own insights. I never cease to learn from her and to be blessed by her own approach to life and her beautiful spirit has inspired me over and over again. I was able to hang out with her in Eureka Springs and enjoy the sights and views from town.

Sunday was another full day of blessings and spiritual insights for we got to worship with the community of Little Portion. We had already been blessed by this community for we spent our two nights in their guest house out in the countryside at the Little Portion Retreat Center. This community stems from a Franciscan order that began in Indiana. It is a community made up by both single, celibate, and families who live together in the hermitage, where they grow their own food and raise animals. They interact with other people at large, who are welcomed at their guest center and sanctuary, which is simple and rustic, plain and beautiful like they believe their lives ought to be. They live in simplicity and poverty, not owning much, dedicating their entire lives to service to the Lord. I was blessed by their beautiful singing and their devotion during the worship service, which was centered around the sacrament of the Eucharist. After the service a sister of the community took us around on tour. If their had been more time and I knew I wasn't keeping her from lunch (the communal meal they have all together everyday), I think I would have asked her and many others there, specifically the families with young children, how did you end up here? How did you come to dedicate your life to this community, to change your lifestyle so radically? Actually the sister (they are known as the Brothers and Sisters of Charity) told me that you can be a domestic member, and I believe that you live out the calling in your own home place, not in the community in Eureka, and they have several domestic members all around the world, who contribute to both the community at Little Portion and to their missions. John Michael Talbot is the spiritual leader of this community; I didn't get to meet him for he was gone this Sunday but I was able to take back a couple of his instrumental tapes, for he is a world-renowned recording artist and his music is peaceful and calming, just like I believe I would experience my life to be at the hermitage and how I did experience my life this past weekend.
My hope and my desire now is to make it so everyday. But I struggle with the how-to and what to do about all the stuff my everyday life is made of?
I don't want to continue the turmoil of anxieties and worries I seem to feast on everyday in my real life. I want my routine to be simple and peaceful, my mind to feast on God's presence and the grace of the moment.

It might seem easy to live focusing only on God when I am not in my home, doing the chores, making phone calls, making sure everything is going smoothly, not forgetting something to do, someone to contact....it gets so hectic in so little time and I have already experienced the feeling of "Help! Take me off this roller coaster! I cant' get everything done it time!!" several times since I've been back.

Yet I won't experience a time of 'non-business' or restfulness unless I choose to relinquish my control of my life and my schedule. I have to choose peace and quiet within, giving my mind and heart to Christ, and allowing Him to whisper "Peace! Be still" to my monkey mind (thank you Sheila for the term!) and the noise that confuses me from inside. I will have peace, now. I will have rest, even now in the midst of house chores and toddler play and mess. I will have peace in the midst of business , friends and family to call on, to talk to, to connect with. I will have rest with my schedule packed with place to go, errands to run, projects to commence and finish and send off. I will have stillness in my heart and mind when I surrender everything, all my worries, insecurities and fears to Him. When I don't allow my mind to run with my anxieties, but quietly turn my heart to prayer.

Being aware of and remebering others' pain

(note: I am just throwing it out here, some personal stuff is mentioned below, but just to give an idea of what all this is about and why I am writing a post on it!)

October is best known as breast cancer awareness month. We have the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation partnering with nearly every kind of food product company and selling pink clothing, purses, shoes and even battery operated toothbrushes as I recall seeing in the Walm-Mart isle. Please know that I am not saying this is wrong, and I am glad there is such a huge awareness and great support for this disease that for decades and more has left women scarred, afraid of themselves and unable to talk about it openly. I have even been collecting the pink metal lids from the yoplait yogurts to send in and I really wish I had the time/$ to prepare for the 5K run they hold in most major cities in this country in order to raise funds and awareness.
That is a key word today. It isn't only for the money. A big reason this campaign is going on is to just make you aware that many women, women in your life, might struggle, have struggled or are struggling with breast cancer.

But how many, I ask, are aware about another disease, and heartache that the month of October remembers? Infertility is something that will affect about 1 in 100 couples. Jon and I have also struggled with it some and will continue to do so because of my PCOS condition, although many more struggle for much longer and through difficult conditions too. I recently heard through an online support group (thus I have no way to back it up with a source) that some researchers have noted that infertility hits women, but also men, with the same fierce grief and emotional pain as cancer does. For some, not being able to have children easily, or as easily as the average person, not knowing if you ever will, is a loss of your future. You can find much more accurate information through several different organizations, both professional and not, just by doing a google search. I would start though with the link I gave above to the Christian ministry of Hannah's Prayer or through the national non-profit advocacy organization Resolve.

October also remembers the silent losses of many precious babies, born to soon or died in early infancy. Next week will be Oct. 15th Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. As many of you know, for I have posted more frequently on this subject, my husband and I lost of firstborn, our daughter Gioia Carise, 4 years ago this past Septmber 4th. In Arpil the next year we lost our second child, Little 'One' Star, to a very early miscarriage. We are thus intimately acquainted with the pain and reality of pregnancy loss, which is child loss if you believe that life is life as soon as it begins. Even if there is never a photo or even an ultrasound picture. Which for many reasons makes it even harder to grieve.


Yesterday Jon came home, really ashen faced, he looked so down and I assumed it was b/c of school.Then he told me that last week, a young woman I used to know from college and her husband lost their first born, Josiah, just moments after he was born. He told me what he knew and started crying when mentioning the sweet pictures of them that they posted on their blog. And I started crying too. The memories, the very same feelings came back like waves on us. I can imagine what those precious parents are feeling, how much they are aching in every area of their existence. And I hurt so much for them. I can only pray that I can help carry their burden, that they won't have to feel it all at once, that they can experience the mysterious peace that passes understanding for surely no one can understand such a loss.

This Monday I think I will go to the 'garden,' the memorial place where Gioia's body, her cocoon, is laid to rest. I will be remembering her and Kenny, my friend Laura and Rex's son who is also buried there, and my friend Lisa who is about to celebrate her firs baby's expected due date soon, and my friends whose arms are aching to hold a child (I am trying to maintain privacy here) and many many other men and women who I don't even know and perhaps feel so alone now. I will remember especially Josiah's parents, who are hurting so much right now.

I hope you will remember them with me and say a prayer for them and for everyone who is hurting, longing, hoping, wishing....waiting for a child, for peace, for comfort. For Heaven to come down.

Live in concert

So, I went to the Superchic[k] and Pillar concert last night (part of the Shoutfest festival that came to our town). I really like Superchick (I know, you are like, what? How old are you?) I know they sing/play for high school students, but I really like them. I like their lyrics, they are simple and true. And they speak to anybody's struggles and concerns (wanting to be liked, loved, accepted, wanting to make the right choice despite peer pressure, etc.). One of my favorite songs is One and Lonely. The chorus goes at first like this "Sometimes I have good days and it is good to be me, sometimes I get the best of insecurity, and it is quite all right to be the one and only, but today I feel like the one and lonely..." and then it goes on to say, at the end "And today I choose to be the one and ONLY" :) I know, very simple, but in that simplicity lies how I feel from day to day...yes, even years past high school!! (I bought a mini-poster of the band so I could have an excuse to go up and tell them I was one of their 'older' fans!) After Superchick, Pillar played, a heavy rock band that has been around for 10 years now and Jon really enjoys. I enjoyed it too, though I didn't know many of the songs. (I did sing loud and as clear as I could to the chorus and most of the verses of "Stand in the Rain" of Superchick :).
I had a blast, I just jumped up and down and rocked out loud! I did not realized how much I love live concerts and this one didn't have a huge crowd. They make me come alive. It is a great excuse to dance my heart, move to the beat, clap out loud, jump up and down like a maniac. Just be real silly! I felt so alive and young again....probably looked just like all the teenagers around me! I got a great workout for sure, and it felt good. A friend wrote recently that it was good for her to 'lighten up'. Her context is way more serious than mine, but I understand even better what she means now. When we lighten up, we can be ourselves. I told Jon last night that a few years ago I wouldn't have felt free to do what I wanted. To jump up and down even if no one else was (Yep, sometimes I did things on my own, even if I saw no one in the crowd doing it). Maybe we were a smaller crowd, in my town, or maybe it is that as I grow older I see that I don't have to have approval, I don't ave to wait for others to do what I feel in me. To do what is right. To be myself and do good. I noticed I was the only one who would raise my hands to clap, and I kept doing it. Years ago I would fear people would think I was stupid or something. Yesterday I just had a good time! I wouldn't miss an opportunity to be a little wild, have fun and DANCE! (I do do it at home with my little one from time to time, but he is so funny when he does his little dance I get distracted and just start laughing! But I need to do it more as he grows)

Jon took a few photos with his cell phone, and maybe I'll get to post them soon.

The best part was on our way back to the car, my almost 15 year-old sister-in-law told me she saw me beside her and was so proud of me being her sis-in-law...watching me dance and jump, being 'live in concert! woohoo! I hope I get to do it well in to my 60s and 70s!

Growing thoughts

I started realizing lately how so much 'sadness' envelopes me when I focus on myself. But then I realize that is natural, that not focusing on yourself should be something you learn. But how do you learn it? How do you teach it? If being selfish is natural, how do you unlearn that way of being and become unselfish? If wanting to grasp life is what we do instinctively, how do we let go of it and stop clinging to it, and in the ultimate paradox, fine life therefore?

It occurred to me after listening to a Beth Moore bible class video recently that I read the Bible to see what it has to say to me, about me, how it relates to me. I forget that it is mostly about God, who He is, what He desires, what He loves, what He believes in. It isn't "The Holy Word according to yours truly"

I am also having a hard time finding God's direction for me in certain aspects of my life (what am I supposed to do with it, for example). I am going on this retreat soon with a friend, and I believe it is going to help me be quiet and wait for the Lord by offering me the time to do so. I am very hungry spiritually. But I am also struggling with being myself for the fear of hurting other people. Specific people. Or better yet for the fear of upsetting others, or what they are going to think about me...I am struggling with wanting to please others more than do what is right and pleases God. But sometimes it is hard because pleasing others can and often is pleasing God. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Sometimes I think, if I was older, all grown up, most of this stuff if not all wouldn't be an issue. But aren't I 'grown-up' enough now?

Thirteen things that bring me joy

1. My son's little curls behind his head.
2. A cup of tea at the end of a long day.
3. Curling up on the couch with a book.
4. A summer storm.
5. Autumn leaves.
6. The touch of a new book.
7. Libraries.
8. The stars against a black midnight sky.
9. A perfectly arched rainbow.
10. Sharing and conversing with my friends.
11. My husband's smile when he looks at me.
12. My husband playing on the floor with our son.
13. The knowledge that one day He will hold me and wipe away all my tears.

These are just a few of simple thins I love that bring me joy. How about you? What brings you joy?

Don't you just love that picture in the last post? (it's from the movie, I forgot to mention that).
I love the bright green contrasted with that intense blue sky above, with the perfect little white house standing alone in all that immense space. I am being romantic about it, I know it was hard work being a farmer, growing that land, but the couple dancing in the middle of the field reminds me that life is made by moments like these, when we stop doing and just be.

Some things I enjoy and you might too

Movies: I watched Sweet Land fairly recently and I truly enjoyed it. It was a delicious taste of cinematography, especially as far as the setting of the play and the slow rhythm of individual scenes. (Yes, I am trying to be just as pretty in describing it:). If you are a action movie fanatic than you probably won't enjoy this movie very much!

Books: I also really enjoyed Donald Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz." Here is what he says at the beginning of the book:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxopho9ne. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened.

My favorite chapters were on Confession, Community, the two on Love (How to really Love Yourself and How to really Love Others) and the one on Money. This 'non-religious book on Christian spirituality' was a breath of fresh air after reading the same cliches too many times.

Music: Check out my hubby's teenage crush, Leigh Nash. He really had a good taste and a good "ear". I believe some of her latest songs have really shown how much she has matured vocally and as an artist. I really like her song "My idea of Heaven." (pls note: it is a 'romantic' one.)

Blogging: I want to invite you to read a blog I have enjoyed reading the past several months. Dr. Beck's Experimental Theology blog challenges my thinking about faith and how I live it. The author is a psychology professor, so he writes about psychological and behavioral issues and uses terms that are scientific, but he explains his ideas so clearly and by presenting these issues he really helps me digg deeper into broader aspects of life that affect me and the people I interact with. His last posts deal with the things we do everyday that are tantamount to sin and evil in this world. I identified some struggles in my own young and adult life in his post on conformity, and you should especially read his last post on being in a hurry! I really needed to reconfirm this idea that most of my stress, as well as many other's, boils down to being in a hurry, and not being able to do what would give us, others and God most joy.

Celebrating life after death...in spite of death

My big sister is so special!

Oops one balloon popped!

Daddy is writing a love note to his girl

Today is Tuesday, 9/11, so many people are remembering, missing someone, wondering, pondering, or crying...and my heart breaks with them. And with the millions if not billions others around the world who has questioned the meaning of death and with that the meaning of life.

I meant to post this a week ago, on our daughter's fourth birthday. We call it her birthday, although she was stillborn. September 4, 2003. Can you believe we would have a four year old? It is hard to imagine. Harder to imagine what is she like to day. It is just hard to envision her existing, somewhere, where we can't see her, touch her, feel her, hear her...What is heaven? Is it the answer to our mysterious longing for a better life?

I know I shouldn't start all philosophical, not so late at night, because I can go round and round and round and never get off this merry go round. (On a side note: I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time...still getting in a routine now that I am back from my extended vacation and 'my' personal computer is a little old, a little slow, and doesn't work like the one I am used to...It is an antique as far as computers go, it's a windows 2000!!)

Above are some pictures of what we have done this past week for Gioia on her birthday. I would like to throw her a real party, and someday I hope I will be living the best party of my life with her by my side, but for now we can celebrate her with a few baloons and some homemade butterlfy-shaped sugar cookies. Celebrate her life that she lived, we wished she had lived more of, and the life she has, that I believe (Lord, help my unbelief) we all do in Christ, we all do in Love.

Once again, Happy Birthday my sweet Gioia, I hope you know that we love you, sometimes more than we can believe possible. We miss you so much and wish you were here. And in case you couldn't ever possibly wish you were on our side of things, that is okay. This is all I know for now and it is perfectly okay baby that you want to be where you are. I can't wait to be there with you too. I am so thankful for the gifts I have in your daddy and baby brother, family and friends, I dont' know what I would do without them. But it probably doesn't compare with Heaven. I love you sweet girl. You will always be my baby and I will always love you.

P.S. Thank you for all who have celebrated her this years and years past by letting me know how you haven't forgotten her either!