The Friendly Atheist

**Edited: I put an * where I accidentally misrepresented Mehta about what he believes. If you go to the post about HU and read the comments following my comment you will see how there is a difference in saying you don't believe in God and that there is no God. I am pretty ignorant in the semantics of atheism, in fact in the whole idea of it, and so I apologize for any mistakes**

Yesterday evening I went to hear the friendly atheist, Hemant Mehta speak at Harding University.
I had actually saw the book of Mehta, I Sold My Soul on E-Bay (it's just a catchy title, that is not what he really did...click on the link to learn of his project and what happened and how the book came about) just a few months ago on one of my luxury visits to the library on my own.
I encourage you to go read his post on his visit to Harding which you can click to it here.
I am pretty proud of the Harding/Christian community that showed up last night for I felt we treated the guest speaker with due respect, even though we have such different beliefs and come from polar opposite sides, and I appreciated the eagerness and interest everyone had, the desire to have open communication and to learn from both sides. And I appreciated the 'friendliness' and kindness of Mehta, who disclosed a much-less known truth, that not every atheist is hateful towards believers nor are they threatening and always ridiculing our beliefs. I am glad we could show the same thing, in reverse!
I also very much appreciated what Dr. Cox had to say and I loved that he wanted, along with us, to publicly apologize for the way some Christians he has encountered have acted, for the ways they have disrespected and mistreated was totally un-Christian. It reminded me of my favorite chapter on confession of Don Miller's Blue Like Jazz book (you really should read it!)

Here are some things I have learned (or was able to re-affirm) from going to listen to an atheist speak about his experience going to different churches (that is what the project, and book, is about):

• Atheist and Christianity actually have many similarities in that they both are belief systems (Dr. Cox thanked him for acknowledging that- it makes dialogs easier when they admit that they *"believe" there is NO God and that this belief affects most if not all of their lives in one way or another, just like my belief that there IS God, and one only, does).
• Another similarity was the fact that not all atheist can answer every questions regarding their non-belief. Mehta was put in the spot a couple of times, and he often answered that this is not what his book and his presentations deal with (explaining atheism and why it is true). His 'expertise' did not reside in debating reasonable atheism like it is for Richard Dawkins.
• The previous point brings me to another thought that my ex-atheistic father told me once and has always impacted me: you must have faith to be an atheist. (Faith that there is no God, for that is hard to prove just as it is hard to prove that there is one.)
• Some other random things that seem to point to similarities in our experiences, believer or non: we are not always like the media or the most 'news-worthy' and 'attention-seeking' advertising portrays us. Hehmant spoke a lot about how it was frustrating that most people see atheist as haters, as ignorant and crude. He gave specific examples and proceeded to describe to us how many atheist are not Christian-haters, that they are very approachable and open to dialog and to accept a person who disagrees. That is the idea he gave me. Of course there are those (and they are the loudest out there, the ones who are being heard and even applauded by atheist it seems) that think cruelly and look down on us. But then again, many Christians (the loudest and most misleading) also speak cruelly and mistreat non-believers.
• One other thing that caught me by surprise (not sure why it did!) Atheist are insecure about themselves too! They feel unsure on how to be open and 'share' their beliefs and live in a more religious society (more about this in the next bullet-point). When in college he started an atheist club, for support, just like campus crusades and other Christian college associations. They need to associated with like-minded people too, obviously, but also it seems for encouragement when perhaps they find themselves the minority, for they are.
• The last phrase is what I wanted to comment on: Atheist (and perhaps agnostics combined) are a minority here in the U.S. Most Americans consider themselves religious, the majority of some Christian affiliation. Now, if they are church-goers or not or if they truly exemplify Christ (most of u s not :( ), is another topic. But the fact remains that the truly secularist are a minority. I hear often from Christians that there is not enough 'faith' in the public sphere, that we need more religion in politicians. However, Mehta argued that the opposite is true. Most politicians do at least affiliate themselves to some kind of religion, and most probably to Christianity. He provided information on how one group of secularist (perhaps the national alliance, can't remember) sought to find out who, if anyone, in any public government role (from high-status to 'lowly'--NOT!-- garbage collector worker) would ascribe himself as atheist (or agnostic at least). One congressman did come out, and as far as I heard, him alone, without making a big deal about the issue, and said the he didn't believe in God. One. I believe there are probably more who are 'closet' non-believers, but the point is that the open-secularist in power are not that many. Perhaps we should stop worrying about world power and government and who is going to be in charge and how our world is crumbling because there are no Christians in power. If there are no Christians in power is because those who are are not acting according to Christ's teachings-- or they are misleading on what those teaching really are about. They have been probably corrupted by power and fame. And probably a 'perfect' Christian world is not attainable as long as we try to do it with our own human efforts and 'virtue'. "For my kingdom is NOT of this world" Jesus said. I am not saying to not vote for a good Christian man or woman who is running for office, but do not put your faith and hope in him and her, as you shouldn't put in in a worldly government to make life as you wish it to be. Okay, so I went way off topic here. Sorry! I think it is the first time I shared about this 'stuff' openly. And no, I am not the expert on politics and religion :)
  
• Last but not least, I want to add here my questions which I will post on Mehta's blog, that I didn't get to ask (or might not have, there was lots of people there wanting to ask questions! and it is always a little daunting to speak out at such events, I am always afraid no one will understand my question). Before I write it down I did want to share the last question (more comment) that was shared. A student (I assume) shared with Hehmant about his past day experience with a very disabled young adult or child, who is not able to talk, walk, feed himself and express his needs like most toddlers do. What purpose, does this person have, if there is no God? asked the young guy. He shared how this disabled person touched his life deeply, how caring for him and watching this 'paralyzed' life display in front of his eyes gave him appreciation and humility for what he had, and taught him valuable lessons. Hemant Mehta said something how that this person's purpose is probably to create such valuable insights. But it striked me as odd, speaking about purposes with an atheist. Not that they might not use this term periodically if not often, but what kind of purpose is there in life, in evolution, in science? Not just purpose to survive, to grow in strength, in power, so to surpass all and 'thrive.' But what does science care about that? That we live or not? What does it care that we have a purpose? Who cares? Do atheist care about that? "purpose" is such a buzz word these days among Christians, to an extent I believe it has become self-centered and self-conceited (not a Christian thing). So here's to my question to Mehta and others who don't believe in God/Creator (and I am interested in answers!): What makes a human, human? What makes us different from other animals? Why do we hope, worry about love, about harmony, about being liked or disliked? Why do we care about stuff? Why do we want to learn, to mature, to grow? Why do we think about life in such terms? Why are we so different from every other living being? And for Mehta: what did you learn of new, did anything surprise you, srike you as odd and different from what you previously understood, about Jesus Christ?
  

Here is another few things I think are noteworthy about Mehta's experience with church-going:

• Nobody approached him at church to initiate conversation. At big churches, that *might*--not an excuse- be more understandable, but small churches it was really awkward. Though most were wiling to converse once approached, Mehta said he really didn't experience anyone coming up to him.
  
• Some churches sung about the 'evil people' and how great it was to be Christians and how horrible and bad those who weren't...probably not most people's experience, but I know sometimes things are said in prayers or sermons that kind of go that way-- not very humble and loving in spirit.
  
• There seems to be few outlets for non-Christians (and Christians too!) to ask questions and express doubts within the church. ( I have often said this too! I feel like once you have become Christian you are often left to 'disciple' yourself, as if you won't ever struggle or doubt, and if you do you think something is wrong with you...okay, another topic for another time).

All righty...a long post, but I hope you have learned something like I did. I have usually assumed it was a daunting, scary experience to talk with an atheist. I know that at UofM I felt really unsure about sharing my faith because I was afraid they would immediately allocate me with the weirdo and fanatic Christians that hate all who are not or think everyone who isn't is worthless. But I learned something important yesterday: an atheist might feel the same way I do about his 'unbelief' in relation to my belief. And also, to truly end this post: I felt even stronger about my beliefs-- Lord I believe, help my unbelief!-- not just because Mehta stumbled here and there (I am sure I would in front of a huge group of atheist asking me really difficult questions!) but because I realized that even those who believe there is no God, still have questions, still have fears, still are human: and that distinction, to me, is the mark of God in every human being.

A Special Book

I lovingly dedicate this post to my mother, Lucy.

This past Monday I went to the library with Jeremiah and found one of my all-time favorite childhood picture books: Miss Rumphius was one of my mother's favorites, still is I am sure. My love of beautiful picture books (as well as any kind of reading material) comes directly from her. She showered me and my sister with all kinds of fun and inspiring stories to journey into while reading during the day or at bedtime in bed all together. I started reading on my own pretty young and I am a little sad I didn't let my mom read more to me as I grew older, but I definitely remember her reading this book to us. I am enjoying looking over the pretty pastel-colored pictures and dreaming of what my life would have been if I were Miss Rumphius, like I used to do when I was young.
Jeremiah is still too little to understand this book (too many words! I had a hard time finding books he could sit through...Eric Carle's books are the best so far...we are now into reading "Head to Toe" and "The Very Hungry Caterpillar.").But reading has now become a big part of our routine. J still takes two naps usually, in the morning and afternoon, and we read one book every time unless we are really cranky and need to get in bed tout de suite. In the evening at bedtime we read one book and then another special one, that mom knows by heart now: Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown. Few times I have substituted it with "Time to Sleep" by Mem Fox, and as he grows older I might tend to change more often, but this is our staple now, like a goodnight lullaby (I stopped singing at night time as much since before he was one because he kept laughing himself silly with me joining in! I am not much of a 'sleep' inspired vocal artist I guess).

My favorite part of the book I mentioned first is the repeated phrase throughout that Miss Rumphius' grandfather first gives to her when she is very young. This is how it goes:

"When I grow up, I too will go to faraway places, and when I grow old, I too will live beside the sea."
"That is all very well, little Alice," said her grandfather, "but there is a third thing you musdt do."
"What is that?" asked Alice.
"You must do something to make the world more beautiful"

Since I was little, I wanted to do just that: make the world more beautiful. I feel it almost like a calling, but like little Alice, even if I am older now, I am still not sure how. I am trusting God is showing me even though I don't see the big picture. And maybe reading to my little boy is part of doing just that.

But now I must go....and make the world a little more beautiful!

Spiritual getaway

This past Friday I went with my dear friend Sheila to Eureka Springs, in the Ozark mountains for a personal spiritual retreat. I have lot to share about this journey!

I feel like I must have stepped in another land, perhaps a story land, where I gazed at beautiful bright leave colors, the hue of crimson and gold, mixed with green, and majestic hills and mountains stretching out, touched by golden sun rays and reflecting a marvelous cloudless blue sky. Since I have come back it has started to rain and get colder, the sky has been gray, so I truly do feel like I was in another world.

My time away was meant to be a time devoted to God. I wasn't always faithful in my mind but God truly did meat me where I was . I learned more things about myself, but I have also learned a lot about God and who He is through the lives of the people who touched me, through their spiritual surrender and devotion to the Lord. Saturday was spent being blessed and guided by the kindness and godliness of a wonderful Christian couple through their ministering and mentoring at their home and retreat center, a refuge for people who are seeking to grow in Christ and to find renewed strength in their spiritual journey. This place is Christview and I was so blessed by the beautiful setting and the fellowship I had there over a cup of tea, bread and a bowl of soup. I would recommend this kind of individual retreat (they do offer it for groups as well, and have their own retreats scheduled on their website), to anyone who wishes to find some quite time for reflection and prayer. Judy helped us through some guided prayer exercises and meditations on God's word. After my own solo time she also helped me with some sound spiritual direction, not providing answers for my every problem, but helping me discern and realize all the possible reasons I may struggle or feel someway. After our meal and sharing time at lunch Mr. John was kind to answer some questions of mine about in-depth bible study, particularly word study, and show me some study material that could be useful to me. All in all I was thoroughly encouraged and inspired to deeper prayer and meditation, studying God's Word, and to press closer to Him and not give up in my journey.

Even Sheila, my friend, blessed me with her own insights. I never cease to learn from her and to be blessed by her own approach to life and her beautiful spirit has inspired me over and over again. I was able to hang out with her in Eureka Springs and enjoy the sights and views from town.

Sunday was another full day of blessings and spiritual insights for we got to worship with the community of Little Portion. We had already been blessed by this community for we spent our two nights in their guest house out in the countryside at the Little Portion Retreat Center. This community stems from a Franciscan order that began in Indiana. It is a community made up by both single, celibate, and families who live together in the hermitage, where they grow their own food and raise animals. They interact with other people at large, who are welcomed at their guest center and sanctuary, which is simple and rustic, plain and beautiful like they believe their lives ought to be. They live in simplicity and poverty, not owning much, dedicating their entire lives to service to the Lord. I was blessed by their beautiful singing and their devotion during the worship service, which was centered around the sacrament of the Eucharist. After the service a sister of the community took us around on tour. If their had been more time and I knew I wasn't keeping her from lunch (the communal meal they have all together everyday), I think I would have asked her and many others there, specifically the families with young children, how did you end up here? How did you come to dedicate your life to this community, to change your lifestyle so radically? Actually the sister (they are known as the Brothers and Sisters of Charity) told me that you can be a domestic member, and I believe that you live out the calling in your own home place, not in the community in Eureka, and they have several domestic members all around the world, who contribute to both the community at Little Portion and to their missions. John Michael Talbot is the spiritual leader of this community; I didn't get to meet him for he was gone this Sunday but I was able to take back a couple of his instrumental tapes, for he is a world-renowned recording artist and his music is peaceful and calming, just like I believe I would experience my life to be at the hermitage and how I did experience my life this past weekend.
My hope and my desire now is to make it so everyday. But I struggle with the how-to and what to do about all the stuff my everyday life is made of?
I don't want to continue the turmoil of anxieties and worries I seem to feast on everyday in my real life. I want my routine to be simple and peaceful, my mind to feast on God's presence and the grace of the moment.

It might seem easy to live focusing only on God when I am not in my home, doing the chores, making phone calls, making sure everything is going smoothly, not forgetting something to do, someone to contact....it gets so hectic in so little time and I have already experienced the feeling of "Help! Take me off this roller coaster! I cant' get everything done it time!!" several times since I've been back.

Yet I won't experience a time of 'non-business' or restfulness unless I choose to relinquish my control of my life and my schedule. I have to choose peace and quiet within, giving my mind and heart to Christ, and allowing Him to whisper "Peace! Be still" to my monkey mind (thank you Sheila for the term!) and the noise that confuses me from inside. I will have peace, now. I will have rest, even now in the midst of house chores and toddler play and mess. I will have peace in the midst of business , friends and family to call on, to talk to, to connect with. I will have rest with my schedule packed with place to go, errands to run, projects to commence and finish and send off. I will have stillness in my heart and mind when I surrender everything, all my worries, insecurities and fears to Him. When I don't allow my mind to run with my anxieties, but quietly turn my heart to prayer.

Being aware of and remebering others' pain

(note: I am just throwing it out here, some personal stuff is mentioned below, but just to give an idea of what all this is about and why I am writing a post on it!)

October is best known as breast cancer awareness month. We have the Susan G. Komen breast cancer foundation partnering with nearly every kind of food product company and selling pink clothing, purses, shoes and even battery operated toothbrushes as I recall seeing in the Walm-Mart isle. Please know that I am not saying this is wrong, and I am glad there is such a huge awareness and great support for this disease that for decades and more has left women scarred, afraid of themselves and unable to talk about it openly. I have even been collecting the pink metal lids from the yoplait yogurts to send in and I really wish I had the time/$ to prepare for the 5K run they hold in most major cities in this country in order to raise funds and awareness.
That is a key word today. It isn't only for the money. A big reason this campaign is going on is to just make you aware that many women, women in your life, might struggle, have struggled or are struggling with breast cancer.

But how many, I ask, are aware about another disease, and heartache that the month of October remembers? Infertility is something that will affect about 1 in 100 couples. Jon and I have also struggled with it some and will continue to do so because of my PCOS condition, although many more struggle for much longer and through difficult conditions too. I recently heard through an online support group (thus I have no way to back it up with a source) that some researchers have noted that infertility hits women, but also men, with the same fierce grief and emotional pain as cancer does. For some, not being able to have children easily, or as easily as the average person, not knowing if you ever will, is a loss of your future. You can find much more accurate information through several different organizations, both professional and not, just by doing a google search. I would start though with the link I gave above to the Christian ministry of Hannah's Prayer or through the national non-profit advocacy organization Resolve.

October also remembers the silent losses of many precious babies, born to soon or died in early infancy. Next week will be Oct. 15th Infant and Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day. As many of you know, for I have posted more frequently on this subject, my husband and I lost of firstborn, our daughter Gioia Carise, 4 years ago this past Septmber 4th. In Arpil the next year we lost our second child, Little 'One' Star, to a very early miscarriage. We are thus intimately acquainted with the pain and reality of pregnancy loss, which is child loss if you believe that life is life as soon as it begins. Even if there is never a photo or even an ultrasound picture. Which for many reasons makes it even harder to grieve.


Yesterday Jon came home, really ashen faced, he looked so down and I assumed it was b/c of school.Then he told me that last week, a young woman I used to know from college and her husband lost their first born, Josiah, just moments after he was born. He told me what he knew and started crying when mentioning the sweet pictures of them that they posted on their blog. And I started crying too. The memories, the very same feelings came back like waves on us. I can imagine what those precious parents are feeling, how much they are aching in every area of their existence. And I hurt so much for them. I can only pray that I can help carry their burden, that they won't have to feel it all at once, that they can experience the mysterious peace that passes understanding for surely no one can understand such a loss.

This Monday I think I will go to the 'garden,' the memorial place where Gioia's body, her cocoon, is laid to rest. I will be remembering her and Kenny, my friend Laura and Rex's son who is also buried there, and my friend Lisa who is about to celebrate her firs baby's expected due date soon, and my friends whose arms are aching to hold a child (I am trying to maintain privacy here) and many many other men and women who I don't even know and perhaps feel so alone now. I will remember especially Josiah's parents, who are hurting so much right now.

I hope you will remember them with me and say a prayer for them and for everyone who is hurting, longing, hoping, wishing....waiting for a child, for peace, for comfort. For Heaven to come down.

Live in concert

So, I went to the Superchic[k] and Pillar concert last night (part of the Shoutfest festival that came to our town). I really like Superchick (I know, you are like, what? How old are you?) I know they sing/play for high school students, but I really like them. I like their lyrics, they are simple and true. And they speak to anybody's struggles and concerns (wanting to be liked, loved, accepted, wanting to make the right choice despite peer pressure, etc.). One of my favorite songs is One and Lonely. The chorus goes at first like this "Sometimes I have good days and it is good to be me, sometimes I get the best of insecurity, and it is quite all right to be the one and only, but today I feel like the one and lonely..." and then it goes on to say, at the end "And today I choose to be the one and ONLY" :) I know, very simple, but in that simplicity lies how I feel from day to day...yes, even years past high school!! (I bought a mini-poster of the band so I could have an excuse to go up and tell them I was one of their 'older' fans!) After Superchick, Pillar played, a heavy rock band that has been around for 10 years now and Jon really enjoys. I enjoyed it too, though I didn't know many of the songs. (I did sing loud and as clear as I could to the chorus and most of the verses of "Stand in the Rain" of Superchick :).
I had a blast, I just jumped up and down and rocked out loud! I did not realized how much I love live concerts and this one didn't have a huge crowd. They make me come alive. It is a great excuse to dance my heart, move to the beat, clap out loud, jump up and down like a maniac. Just be real silly! I felt so alive and young again....probably looked just like all the teenagers around me! I got a great workout for sure, and it felt good. A friend wrote recently that it was good for her to 'lighten up'. Her context is way more serious than mine, but I understand even better what she means now. When we lighten up, we can be ourselves. I told Jon last night that a few years ago I wouldn't have felt free to do what I wanted. To jump up and down even if no one else was (Yep, sometimes I did things on my own, even if I saw no one in the crowd doing it). Maybe we were a smaller crowd, in my town, or maybe it is that as I grow older I see that I don't have to have approval, I don't ave to wait for others to do what I feel in me. To do what is right. To be myself and do good. I noticed I was the only one who would raise my hands to clap, and I kept doing it. Years ago I would fear people would think I was stupid or something. Yesterday I just had a good time! I wouldn't miss an opportunity to be a little wild, have fun and DANCE! (I do do it at home with my little one from time to time, but he is so funny when he does his little dance I get distracted and just start laughing! But I need to do it more as he grows)

Jon took a few photos with his cell phone, and maybe I'll get to post them soon.

The best part was on our way back to the car, my almost 15 year-old sister-in-law told me she saw me beside her and was so proud of me being her sis-in-law...watching me dance and jump, being 'live in concert! woohoo! I hope I get to do it well in to my 60s and 70s!

Growing thoughts

I started realizing lately how so much 'sadness' envelopes me when I focus on myself. But then I realize that is natural, that not focusing on yourself should be something you learn. But how do you learn it? How do you teach it? If being selfish is natural, how do you unlearn that way of being and become unselfish? If wanting to grasp life is what we do instinctively, how do we let go of it and stop clinging to it, and in the ultimate paradox, fine life therefore?

It occurred to me after listening to a Beth Moore bible class video recently that I read the Bible to see what it has to say to me, about me, how it relates to me. I forget that it is mostly about God, who He is, what He desires, what He loves, what He believes in. It isn't "The Holy Word according to yours truly"

I am also having a hard time finding God's direction for me in certain aspects of my life (what am I supposed to do with it, for example). I am going on this retreat soon with a friend, and I believe it is going to help me be quiet and wait for the Lord by offering me the time to do so. I am very hungry spiritually. But I am also struggling with being myself for the fear of hurting other people. Specific people. Or better yet for the fear of upsetting others, or what they are going to think about me...I am struggling with wanting to please others more than do what is right and pleases God. But sometimes it is hard because pleasing others can and often is pleasing God. Does anyone else struggle with this?

Sometimes I think, if I was older, all grown up, most of this stuff if not all wouldn't be an issue. But aren't I 'grown-up' enough now?

Thirteen things that bring me joy

1. My son's little curls behind his head.
2. A cup of tea at the end of a long day.
3. Curling up on the couch with a book.
4. A summer storm.
5. Autumn leaves.
6. The touch of a new book.
7. Libraries.
8. The stars against a black midnight sky.
9. A perfectly arched rainbow.
10. Sharing and conversing with my friends.
11. My husband's smile when he looks at me.
12. My husband playing on the floor with our son.
13. The knowledge that one day He will hold me and wipe away all my tears.

These are just a few of simple thins I love that bring me joy. How about you? What brings you joy?

Don't you just love that picture in the last post? (it's from the movie, I forgot to mention that).
I love the bright green contrasted with that intense blue sky above, with the perfect little white house standing alone in all that immense space. I am being romantic about it, I know it was hard work being a farmer, growing that land, but the couple dancing in the middle of the field reminds me that life is made by moments like these, when we stop doing and just be.

Some things I enjoy and you might too

Movies: I watched Sweet Land fairly recently and I truly enjoyed it. It was a delicious taste of cinematography, especially as far as the setting of the play and the slow rhythm of individual scenes. (Yes, I am trying to be just as pretty in describing it:). If you are a action movie fanatic than you probably won't enjoy this movie very much!

Books: I also really enjoyed Donald Miller's book "Blue Like Jazz." Here is what he says at the beginning of the book:

I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxopho9ne. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way. I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened.

My favorite chapters were on Confession, Community, the two on Love (How to really Love Yourself and How to really Love Others) and the one on Money. This 'non-religious book on Christian spirituality' was a breath of fresh air after reading the same cliches too many times.

Music: Check out my hubby's teenage crush, Leigh Nash. He really had a good taste and a good "ear". I believe some of her latest songs have really shown how much she has matured vocally and as an artist. I really like her song "My idea of Heaven." (pls note: it is a 'romantic' one.)

Blogging: I want to invite you to read a blog I have enjoyed reading the past several months. Dr. Beck's Experimental Theology blog challenges my thinking about faith and how I live it. The author is a psychology professor, so he writes about psychological and behavioral issues and uses terms that are scientific, but he explains his ideas so clearly and by presenting these issues he really helps me digg deeper into broader aspects of life that affect me and the people I interact with. His last posts deal with the things we do everyday that are tantamount to sin and evil in this world. I identified some struggles in my own young and adult life in his post on conformity, and you should especially read his last post on being in a hurry! I really needed to reconfirm this idea that most of my stress, as well as many other's, boils down to being in a hurry, and not being able to do what would give us, others and God most joy.

Celebrating life after death...in spite of death

My big sister is so special!

Oops one balloon popped!

Daddy is writing a love note to his girl

Today is Tuesday, 9/11, so many people are remembering, missing someone, wondering, pondering, or crying...and my heart breaks with them. And with the millions if not billions others around the world who has questioned the meaning of death and with that the meaning of life.

I meant to post this a week ago, on our daughter's fourth birthday. We call it her birthday, although she was stillborn. September 4, 2003. Can you believe we would have a four year old? It is hard to imagine. Harder to imagine what is she like to day. It is just hard to envision her existing, somewhere, where we can't see her, touch her, feel her, hear her...What is heaven? Is it the answer to our mysterious longing for a better life?

I know I shouldn't start all philosophical, not so late at night, because I can go round and round and round and never get off this merry go round. (On a side note: I am sorry I haven't posted in a long time...still getting in a routine now that I am back from my extended vacation and 'my' personal computer is a little old, a little slow, and doesn't work like the one I am used to...It is an antique as far as computers go, it's a windows 2000!!)

Above are some pictures of what we have done this past week for Gioia on her birthday. I would like to throw her a real party, and someday I hope I will be living the best party of my life with her by my side, but for now we can celebrate her with a few baloons and some homemade butterlfy-shaped sugar cookies. Celebrate her life that she lived, we wished she had lived more of, and the life she has, that I believe (Lord, help my unbelief) we all do in Christ, we all do in Love.

Once again, Happy Birthday my sweet Gioia, I hope you know that we love you, sometimes more than we can believe possible. We miss you so much and wish you were here. And in case you couldn't ever possibly wish you were on our side of things, that is okay. This is all I know for now and it is perfectly okay baby that you want to be where you are. I can't wait to be there with you too. I am so thankful for the gifts I have in your daddy and baby brother, family and friends, I dont' know what I would do without them. But it probably doesn't compare with Heaven. I love you sweet girl. You will always be my baby and I will always love you.

P.S. Thank you for all who have celebrated her this years and years past by letting me know how you haven't forgotten her either!

Tagged

My friend Traci tagged me from her blog. Here are the Rules:

1. I have to post these rules before I give you the facts. 2. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog (about their eight things) and post these rules. (**if you’re a non-blogger, you can email them!) 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. 5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I usually splatter myself while rinsing dishes because I am too much in a hurry (what's happened tonight).

2. My younger brother who is 13 hated me this summer because I tutored him in his French homework, perhaps his least favorite subject!

3. I have tones of bruises on my legs...all from inside the house (walking into furniture and stuff...most I have no idea how I got them).

4. I like reading these detective stories written in Sicilian modern dialect...it took a while to understand them but I got a hang of it after a while. It helps that they are terribly funny.

5. TI am still really close friends with my two best buddies from 8th grade.

6. I have been a dark chocolate fan way before it was fashionable.

7. I have lived in the states for 8 years now and been married 6 of them!

8. My sister did this wonderful presentation for her OB/Maternity nursing class on Perinatal loss exactly on our daughter's Gioia's 4th angel birthday anniversary. She got a 99%(so it's not about me, I know)!


Ok- I tag Sheila, Nakeia, Jenn, Katherine, Nat, Karyn, Erin, Lisa

Noto, Sicily and family pictures

Noto is part of the UNESCO, the UN's organization funded to preserve and promote places, cities, towns, buildings, monuments, etc. around the world that are considered important for our human heritage, that are most unique or speak most to the shared human experience in history. Noto is known for its elaborate baroque style of churches, buildings, town, all adorned with the details of little baroquean gorgi or sirens, which we saw many suspending balconies throughout the streets. I thought it was really neat the yellow stone they used, which was carved out directly from the canyon in which it the city stands. I think the last picture we are still in Taormina.

Taormina, Sicily and view of Giardini di Naxos

The last picture is actually a close up of the view of Mt. Etna, the largest active volcano in Europe, that we saw from Taormina. Taormina is a beautiful old medieval town on the hills that rush from Mt. Etna to the sea. We were actually lodging at the Gardens of Naxos, a smaller town edged in a bay next to Taormina, which is also one if not the oldest Greek colony during 200* b.c. I loved Taormina and although it was quite touristy I still enjoyed its narrow and windy roads throughout the old town, the balconies, the old churches standing up close to the buildings, the amazing open piazzas that you came up to quite unexpectedly, and of course the secret little stairs that bring to other little lookouts. The first picture is of the famous greek ampitheatre at Taormina which they still use for concerts, as they were in fact getting ready for one the day we visit. The second picture is a view from my favorite piazza at the entrance in one of the main gates of Taormina. The view is of the very bay of Giardini di Naxos were for a whole week we would go bathe and bask in the sun!

Sicilia

It is late right now, not a good time to start a post, but I thought maybe some people are waiting for some pictures of our trip, maybe some dream of traveling too and would like to see the proof of this distant, old and enchanted land that the greeks once called their home as many other seafare nations and kingdoms did. Here are just a few. The pcitures will be my words for now, and I know already they will do a much better job of describing the land, the people, the food, they will be more interesting and especially they will show off the photographical talent of my husband.

Birthday Boy

This was my first birthday party, the theme was "Frog" :) I think I did a pretty good job frosting my very first cake. Of course, it wasn't all perfect. You can't see what happened underneath all the frosting! I also made cupcakes, you can see them on our flickr link.
Enjoy!

I'm leaving on a Jet plane

But I do know I'll be back again :) However I will be flying back home to Italy to stay for 6 weeks! I want to update my blog more often there than I have been lately. My last post was a little melancholy...ok, lame. I guess summer times has too many advertisement of skinny bikini girls running around, though I have yet to see the beach! And I will, I am going to Taormina, Sicily, not far from Mt. Etna, for about 5 days. I can't wait, it's been so long since I've seen waves wash upon a shore, retreat and come back anew...and that view, of the sea meeting the sky...ah...the sand between my feet, salty smell, the breeze and the rhythmic sounds. Yes, I am going to enjoy it a lot. Hopefully it won't be too busy where we are. I have these dreams of me waking early with Jeremiah, leaving him with my mom and walking to the beach, empty and doing yoga and meditation, morning and evening. Also a lot of reading under the ombrellone. And my son, who just turned one. (I am going to update with pictures on that, next :) I can see him chasing after those waves, laughing with glee, and stopping him from stuffing his face with sand. With luck we will be able to make it to the Alps, or the pre-Alps, like the Dolomites behind my parents' apartment. That way my hubby can leap with glee up some mountain trails and look over the glacier lakes and pine trees. If not he will probably want to climb up Mt. Etna, a very nice active volcano near Taormina (uhm...)

side note: I am having a hard time concentrating b/c dh is watching a movie on tv, Johnny Q I think, and I've never seen it and it interests me 'cause it has to do with our messed up health care system. Which should be free, the important stuff I mean (not plastic surgery) and especially for children.

Back to my travel plans. I'll be overseas till the mid of August, part of the time just me and j-man. I hope to keep in touch with everyone over there as well. Thank you to all of you who wrote such encouraging comments on my last post. Again, I know that was truly silly (and more b/c I shared it with the world), so thanks for reminding me about something I should already know: I am wonderfully made. And the most important part is the inside, the only one that matters. Character modeling should be my #1 priority.

I am guessing me next few posts will be mucho more interesting!

Pace e Amore!

Why do I think that...

...being skinny means being happy? Is it only me? Of course not, this whole crazy society we live in tells us that repeatedly (and that skinny is beautiful. That's it. Your are skinny than you must be pretty too).

I hate that I keep struggling internally with this. I went to work out with this wonderful group of women. We meet at a church building and we work out, laughing, encouraging one another, even praying. But here I come home, take one look in the mirror, from a far away position and realize that I still look just as big as I was before I started working out. I still ate some chocolate today and peanut butter. Not too much. But in my mind that is what has happened. The ugly critic inside me says "You will always be fat, you will never be pretty."

What is worse? The fact that I am traveling in Italy in less than two weeks. AND I am going to a beach. An Italian beach. My sister knows what I am talking about. In Italy it seems everybody is skinny and beautiful. The truth is that Italians, especially women, are Obssessed with looks. They probably pay the most for beauty care and products. They truly are material/physical people. I don't know how often since I have lived in the states and have gone back to visit in my home country that I have heard :"Oh, Miriam, ti sei ingrassatta" (read: you got fat). Ugh. I am dreading hearing these comments. In my mind I want to be able to reply "And you are just as unfriendly as ever" or "And you have too!" Mostly it is older people who comment like this. The fact is that it will still hurt and I do not even k now if I will have the confidence to stick up for myself. But this is what I would want for other girls in my situation. To realize that their beauty is not from the outside. But I keep coming up against all this stuff that tells me otherwise.

It's a war I guess! Sometimes I feel like I am winning, but most times I feel such a weight on my self. On my spirit. When I get down on myself a lot of times it is because of what I think of myself physically. But isn't this so superficial?? Why don't I get down on myself because of what I am spiritually or mentally? Because of my mean parts, the pride or prejudices I have, why don't I beat myself because of that? Is it because after all I really think my worth is in how I look?

Yes. That is the simple ugly truth. I think that if I were skinny I'd be happy. Because I'd finally have meaning, I'd be perfect.

I wonder how many skinny people are happy......

Feeling Loved

So Sunday was my 25th birthday. Quarter of a century! I had a very special day, but even the weekend and the week before was great (hubby took me shopping on Wed. Just the two of us all day! And I actually found stuff I loved on sale!)
Usually my birthdays go by with a few phone calls from my family overseas, maybe a special meal and cake, and cards with perhaps a little money gift. This is all special, and by no means am I trying to diminish the love I receive from my hubby, parents, in-laws, grandparents and more. I love the attention and care I get from them this day and every other day as well. But it's been a while since I have had a b-day with friends over (been a while since I would ask "Mom, can I have a party?" and prefer to have a surprise one). This past weekend was also Memorial Day weekend and since we are to enter a very busy month before we depart for the Bel Paese (aka Italy) we decided we'd go visit friends and church family over there. It's been nine months since we first left and haven't been there at all since before Thanksgiving.

So our friends Russ and Liana (not to be confused with Ross and Rachel), who graciously hosted us this weekend, threw a party for me, with a white and pink frosted cake with my name on it, and friends from church to come eat dinner (lasagna!) and play really hilarious games...the more hilarious because of how much fun our friends are when we all get together. Yep, we had a good time. But what really made me feel all warm and fuzzy and even emotional was all the love and care, the fact that people would give me cards that say "We love you!" "You are special", that they would pay for my dinners and desserts, send me emails and cards, and wrote on my wall on facebook. And the presents I received, all were unexpected. I felt bad that I don't have the budget for getting presents for friends or even family right now, but it felt good to know someone had thought of me and bought me something just because they care. I had a very emotional week the one before, and I worried too much about what others thought of me, if the liked me, feeling like I was still in 6th grade.

What I received this weekend was the confirmation of the love from friends. Especially since they don't have to love me or even like me, the fact that they do, and I feel so underserving, makes it so special. so appreciated. so meaningful. So thank you friends for your love. It's the best gift ever!

PS I even got a free drink from the restaurant and only a waring on our way back when we were stopped for speeding! Thank you Lord for friends and unexpected freebies and grace!

Ascenscion Day, Scripture reading and Winner

Today is the day many churches who follow more closely liturgical calendars are celebrating Ascension day. I have finished reading about Lauren Winner's experience in an Episcopal church (author of Girl Meets God. I recommend this book, which is a very engaging spiritual autobiography of an orthodox Jew who became Christian in her twenties...she might be still twenty-something, so it is a very recent account. I might blog about it more later).


I know I am possibly romanticizing another Christian tradition/heritage. It is easy to do for me, I am very dramatic and prone to daydreaming. However, the idea of a more set, disciplined form worship both on Sundays, and everyday with the reading of the Book of Common Prayer, something so ancient, so time tested, is intriguing. In some ways what intrigued me was what Winner wrote in one particular chapter about why she chose the Episcopal Church, or Anglicanism. She said that a lot had to do with the way they read Scripture, they just didn't ditch all Christian authorities and writings, century old commentaries on scripture and other writings. they read scripture like the Jews read the Torah. This most intrigued me simply because my heritage is that of reading the Bible and coming to understand it for yourself. (and it is possible, sometime I'll write about a beautiful, fun story of the California surfer guy who found a Bible on the beach)
Obviously growing up others taught me Bible lessons and told me the stories (and what to believe or not) but once you are somewhat more mature and able to read and comprehend more on your own, you are expected to just 'know' what the Bible says. Well I can read the Bible, and I can tell you what it says, but I am often confused exactly what it means. There is the literal meaning, which is important to take down first, but then there is more, the allegorical and something else. Lauren Winner explains all this much better, for she is far more of an accademic intellectual than I am (bit of a snob, but I know she wont' take any offense! I think she is lot like my mom in the fact that she reads all the time and reads almost anything and I think my mom is the best!). Now, I think it is great that I can read the Bible on my own, and I should stop typing and do that very thing since I don't do it much at all. What I am saying is that this is very interesting way of putting things, something I have never thought of before. Aren't 'study' Bibles designed to enlighten us since there are thousand of years that separate us from the time the Bible was written and our own mindset and culture and understanding? Furthermore, they used much more allegory than we do nowdays as well. Don't we need help in reading these passages? It's hard to know exactly, I don't think we should be extreme as in some Christian traditions who believe only the Priest can explain things for you, reading the Bible wouldn't do you any good (The Bible, one of the 'banned' Books of the Pope for centuries). But then again, I don't think I can expect to understand EVERYTHING (esp. not the OT).

Sooooooo...................going back to Ascension Day. I guess those churches are gathering together to read about Jesus' return to Heaven to be with His Father. I think the idea of celebrating every year these important marks of the gospel story is very meaningful in the way we keep 'reminding ourselves', and for me, a very disorganized person and undisciplined in all things, it is a way to keep feeding me the food I need the most. The Story. And even on those days I don't feel an once of faith or 'spiritual' savoir faire, the tradition, the discipline of going to church, sitting, kneeling, standing, repeating, listening, singing certain hymns, reading certain verses...maybe I won't 'feel' God, the Spirit, but I will be blessed by know, yes HE still is here. Even when I can't see or feel or want, I will...because it is about bending the will "not mine but thy".
Thinking this way has made me see my own traditions at Church in a much better light. Reading about another and how interested it made me in them, I realized I can do the same with my own small ones, they are downplayed in my heritage (although very present and imporant to some), however I can take them in and let them help me in being more 'present', disciplined in my worship approach, bending my will, telling myself "M. I know you want to think about that movie and what you would have the President say and how you would conduct the sermon this morning, but focus: this is about GOD, not you. You made a promise to Him. Worship Him. Give Him honor. Think, talk, let it be about Him. Give your sacrifice of praise."

The best part of a day like today...I can look up into Heaven, imagine Him going home, and then daydream about Him coming back down. Every time I see rays of sunshine flowing from Heaven, through big cotton like clouds, I think...maybe today...maybe this is the day He'll come back, just like He went up.

Happy Ascension Day!

I am still around!

I have so much to say, too little to say, not sure how to say it, wish I could just sit down and chat over a nice glass of ice tea (yes, it is hot today).

I want the world to be a better place. I wish people wouldn't conform to others ideas just to fit in. I wish that there was no violence, that video games wouldn't make war entertainment and that guns were not invented. I wish for world peace. But I also wish that we didn't have beauty pageants. Please do not use bottled water. We are consuming in atrocious ways. I could write more and I know this is just a stream of consciousness like Ulysses Joyce coined. Just a sampling of my rambling.

TTYL. Really, I'll be back with more coherent thoughts.

PS I had written something a little too personal. I felt I was hanging dirty laundry for all to see here on this blog. It wasn't anything bad, but it was still personal. I know I am an 'open book', always have been. But that doesn't mean everyone wants to (or needs to) hear what I have to say. (Now you are probably wondering what it is uh? LOL! Keep you hanging...)