I must count my blessings

It isn't easy to do, 'count your blessings.' I sometimes resented that because it made me feel like that meant my sorrows were not valid, unimportant, that if they hurt me than something was wrong with me, I was sinning.
BUT...a few weeks ago I realized I did a terrible thing (for me, myself): I forgot to write a Christmas letter to Gioia and put it in her stocking. I have done this every Christmas since she died. It was/is a tradition. Being sick, busy with a 6 month old, and just busy w/ the holidays, I forgot to do it. I immediately wrote in her diary. I know this doesn't hurt her, she isn't capable of feeling the pain of a forgetful mother, and plus I do this for myself, for my continual healing process of not having her with me everyday (you can bet I miss her and think of her everyday. Especially holidays are hard, when we are with extended family and you know someone is really missing then).

I was writing to her, in a special diary I haven't written in a long time, and realized that although I haven't been writing to her, I have been talking to her, and not just to myself, but to many others, to friends who have been alongside my journey off and on, sometimes all along, some of them sort of new to my heartache. And it HIT ME: I am so blessed, I actually have people I can talk to about Gioia and who listen, and do not judge, and who want to listen, and do not run away uncomfortable about talking about pain and death.

I tend to look at the negative side: most people don't want to talk about Gioia and change subject if I bring it up. But, there is a huge positive side: there are people, and probably I am blessed to have more than most, who do and want to hear about Gioia and share this part of my life. I am blessed. I am not 'doing' this alone. I have someone to share with and confide with. And not just with my internet community, but I mean in real life!

I would love to write down their names here, all those beautiful people who have had the courage and patience and love to walk with me and share with me the beauty and the pain, the joy and the sorrow of having and losing Gioia here on earth. But they are in my heart. Your 'gift' will never be forgotten and I count you as my most precious 'blessings' and ;bringers of healing.'

ps If my friend Jacqui, Jackson's mom, ever reads this: thank you for all you have done for me, sending me love and comfort and memories to cherish through the mail throughout the past three years!