...being skinny means being happy? Is it only me? Of course not, this whole crazy society we live in tells us that repeatedly (and that skinny is beautiful. That's it. Your are skinny than you must be pretty too).
I hate that I keep struggling internally with this. I went to work out with this wonderful group of women. We meet at a church building and we work out, laughing, encouraging one another, even praying. But here I come home, take one look in the mirror, from a far away position and realize that I still look just as big as I was before I started working out. I still ate some chocolate today and peanut butter. Not too much. But in my mind that is what has happened. The ugly critic inside me says "You will always be fat, you will never be pretty."
What is worse? The fact that I am traveling in Italy in less than two weeks. AND I am going to a beach. An Italian beach. My sister knows what I am talking about. In Italy it seems everybody is skinny and beautiful. The truth is that Italians, especially women, are Obssessed with looks. They probably pay the most for beauty care and products. They truly are material/physical people. I don't know how often since I have lived in the states and have gone back to visit in my home country that I have heard :"Oh, Miriam, ti sei ingrassatta" (read: you got fat). Ugh. I am dreading hearing these comments. In my mind I want to be able to reply "And you are just as unfriendly as ever" or "And you have too!" Mostly it is older people who comment like this. The fact is that it will still hurt and I do not even k now if I will have the confidence to stick up for myself. But this is what I would want for other girls in my situation. To realize that their beauty is not from the outside. But I keep coming up against all this stuff that tells me otherwise.
It's a war I guess! Sometimes I feel like I am winning, but most times I feel such a weight on my self. On my spirit. When I get down on myself a lot of times it is because of what I think of myself physically. But isn't this so superficial?? Why don't I get down on myself because of what I am spiritually or mentally? Because of my mean parts, the pride or prejudices I have, why don't I beat myself because of that? Is it because after all I really think my worth is in how I look?
Yes. That is the simple ugly truth. I think that if I were skinny I'd be happy. Because I'd finally have meaning, I'd be perfect.
I wonder how many skinny people are happy......
6 comments:
I imagine skinny people are just as unhappy...or happy...as fat people, maybe about different things. What about people who are not skinny OR fat? They are happy...or unhappy...too! For me, this has all gotten a lot better with age. I am truly at a point where I am what I am like it or not...to myself and to others. Now I know that this sounds contradictory since I am losing weight for the first time in a long time!! And I definitely like being smaller. 8^) BUT...now the question I ask is "How do I feel?" and I can truly say that I feel MARVELOUS!! So maybe you are asking the wrong question! Also ask, "Am I loved?" YES...by others and by GOD! Write this down in a prominent place, read it every day and BELIEVE it!!
All that said, the struggle with self is never going to go away until Satan is removed from our lives. Satan masterfully keeps us wondering what is wrong with us when the TRUTH is that whatever is wrong with us, God makes good.
Sounds good but is HARD to live!!
Have fun in Italia!! I have never been there. Perhaps you can take me one day!
Accidenti, I know what you mean about those comments! I get it in Croatia, too. (The funny thing to me, though, is that they're usually wrong. When they say I've gotten bigger, I've actually lost weight, and vice versa.) I've always thought people there are not sensitive about it, like it doesn't matter that much to them, it's just something to comment on, like, "Oh, you've grown your hair out."
But you are saying the women in Italy are very conscious of looks (I never got into that part of people's lives much, I guess), so, yeah, that is rude....I don't know what to think about that! Or maybe it is that the older women don't give it as much importance as the younger? I just know I've always dreaded those comments, too, and I feel for you.
Dear sister, it IS a war. Satan loves it when we pay more attention to our outsides than our insides. And when our reason for taking care of our body is all about looks, not about health and self-respect and being the temple of the living God.
I was just talking to a friend the other day about how much my image of myself can change from day to day. I look in the mirror one day and feel fat. Another day I think I look great. Many days I think I look okay, but that's all. Some days it matters a lot, some days I could care less.
The concept of "image" is so deceptive, and our culture is so focused on it. Sometimes I think about how it would be to lose my eyesight, and I think it would be a great blessing. No longer would people's appearance affect how I judged them. And I like to think that I would let go of some of my own concern about how I look.
Anyway, I was skinny for 25 years and can't say that I was happy most of that time. I'm much happier now than I was then, most of the time.
I always figured people with tans must enjoy life more than I did! Especially at the beach. Once a kid in Croatia came up and expressed amazement at my white skin, said he had never seen anyone so white. "Like cottage cheese," he said! (It's an expression, like we say "white as snow," not a reference to texture.)
If anyone says anything to you, know that I'm with you in spirit, okay? And I know you deep down, and I say you're beautiful. (And I think you're beautiful physically, too...)
You could always try turning it into a cultural conversation...Put on your best "intellectual college student" expression and say something like, "You know, that's so interesting that you feel free to say that. In America, people don't say things like that because it's considered rude or insensitive. Of course I know you don't mean to be rude or insensitive, so why do think there's such a difference between two cultures...."
It might make them think, and it gets you out of the spotlight.
Wish I'd thought of that before! I'll have to try it myself!
TVB.....
By the way, I realize that "skinny" is a relative term. Some people call me skinny now. Compared to Italian women, I was always big! When I say "I was skinny," I mean I was the same height as now and 20 pounds lighter, and considerably more "toned."
The funny thing is, my family is the same away about recognizing one's ability to gain weight. I was told the same thing last year. I even tried to lose weight specifically so I wouldn't have to hear it from my mom. Miriam, dear, what would most of those "beautiful" women look like if they didn't spend insane amounts of money? They'd look like us. Natural beauty is much cheaper.
My WV family is the same way Miriam! I went home while in college, and my grandfather looked at me and then looked at my mother and told her that I'd gained weight. Awful! I giggled when I read your responses...things I would love to say back to those who feel they have a right to say these things.
Those who mentioned taking care of our bodies as the temple of the Spirit, I agree. We have a stewardship responsibility toward the bodies that we have, because we are wholistic beings. But for that to be ruled by our need for beauty and affirmation, this is a daily battle we wage.
This is something I have struggled with for so many years. I am at the point in my life where I really like my body (it's not skinny!) and feel healthy in my skin. Rob Bell's wife is quoted in his new book, Sex God, as saying that sexy is feeling comfortable in your own skin. I LOVE this definition, as it does focus more on comfort and acceptance rather than trying to be whatever the external standard is.
Happy belated birthday Miriam! I hope you have a wonderful trip to Italy!
Miriam,
The more I read your blog and get to know you the more I know why Sheila believed so firmly that you and I would be friends when we met. We simply must find time to spend together in person. This has been my lifelong struggle. When I was younger and *much* thinner I thought I was HUGE. I've slowly become what that mental image was, but now it's hard to see it on my body. Does that make sense? No, not at all! It's the craziness of of our self-perception that Satan enjoys distorting so much.
I know you are a wonderful, thoughtful person. I hope we can connect soon!
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